Turn off the sound if it drives you crazy

Coming Out

Coming out was probably the hardest thing that I have

had to do in my whole life.

I knew from a very young age that I was not

"normal" I say this as this was societies idea

at that time and to a degree this is still societies

idea today.

I kept a lid on my feelings when after telling a young

friend that I had a crush on my female 3rd grade

teacher. My friend thought that it was disgusting, and

was going to tell her mum. I was so scared, so from

that point on I never uttered a word to any one

about my feelings I may have had toward any one.

I blundered through school pretending to have boyfriends

but really was not interested. I had many crushes on

female teachers and girl guide leaders.

At about the age of 17 I became a born again christian

and became heavilly involved in the Independant Baptist

Church in Melbourne, Australia.

I managed to repress my feelings towards females

during this part of my life. I fell in love with a wonderful

boy that wandered into our church one night and we

ended up marrying some 15 months later.

We were very happily married. We were heavily involved in

the church and both attended bible college.

We started a family and ended up having

4 beautiful children.

After about 13 years of marriage we discovered that

my natural father had molested one of my

beautiful little girls.

I was devastated to say the least and this was

the start of my hell. I started to

hate men with a vengance. At this point my marriage

started to fail even though my husband was a wonderful

man and terrific father to our children.

I made a decision to stay in the marriage

untill our children were old enough to be independant

of mummy, then I would leave, so as to allow me to

live my life and give my husband a chance to start a fresh

new life even though he would not think that he needed to

at the time.

I found it more and more difficult to repress my lesbian

tendancies as the only people I could

really talk to comfortably and get comfort from,

were women.

I fell in love with a lovely lady a few years later and

I knew from this point on that I was definately

a lesbian and could not keep up the pretence

of being a happily married mother any longer.

I began drifting away from the church as I knew

the policies and the beliefs about homosexuality

was so strong that I could never be both a lesbian

as well as keep attending the church.

I loved my God and still do.

I had a really difficult decision to make and

I made it. I stopped attending Church all together

much to the disgust of my family, I felt that they

would never understand.

I was not prepared to come out to them,

I was so afraid of losing them, and at that time

I could not have handled that.

I stayed another 5 years in the marriage untill it

got unbearable for me, I got to the stage that I had

lost myself I didn't know who I was any more, and had

begun drinking heavily to try to cope with the situation.

My youngest was 16 and it was time for me to come

out and leave my family.

After 23 years of marriage I told my husband that I was

leaving him, he went into total shock.

I couldn't tell him why at this point.

I started with the eldest and worked down, the tears

were almost unbearable. I managed to tell the eldest two

that I was a lesbian and that was as far as I got.

I couldn't handle any more pain.

One month later I had found a place to live

and moved out.

Some months later I told my other two children

and my husband that I was a lesbian.

My two boys coped reasonably well but the

girls weren't very happy and still aren't today.

The eldest boy was a tower of strength to me

and gave me support when I needed it most.

But I might add that the girls both still visit me

and my partner and are very polite and courteous

to her which is all I ask.

Next was to tell all my friends and the rest of my family my

mum and sister, I had gained enough

inner strength to tell them all.

So one at a time I came out and finally finished

telling them all.

My mum and sister were so

supportive and said that it didn't surprise them.

All my friends said "so we knew anyway" as though

I had a sign painted on my forhead to say that

I was a lesbian.

Well it was finished I had come out.

I have since met a lovely lady and we are deeply in love.

We have now been together for two and a half years.

I bought a house for us to live in and life goes on.

I just hope that this little bit of insight to my life might

help and encourage others in the same situation.

I hope my family will eventually forgive me for the heart ache that I put them through.

I love you all dearly.

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