INTRODUCTION
All of us should like to read good books, worthy essays, insightful
comments. As Christians, familiar with the excellencies of
Scripture, we can and have the true means to personally assess
the value of any material on the criteria and principles given
in the Bible. Where books describe perceptions, interpretations,
value judgments, teachings, we can confidently verify their worth
or valuelessness, their truth or falsity by recognizing whether
there is conformity with biblical principle. Most people don't
want to do that all the time. It's hard work!
How obsessed are we with our own values, our own principles,
our own prejudices and our own wants? The most telling
field of experience that all of us think we're familiar with is
human relationships which are deeply influenced by our principles,
prejudices, inner wants. Human relationships touch the very core
of the human heart but the heart is desperately deceitful as Jer
17:9 says. And it is God by His Spirit who reveals, to those who
are not in a state of denial, the hidden thoughts and intents
of the heart-as Jer 17:10; Ps 19:7-14; Ps 51:6-10; Prov 20:27;
1Cor 2:10-16 and many similar Scriptures reveal. The carnal heart
despises the Law, Word, Truth of God as Rom 8:7 verifies: The
carnal mind-the apostle Paul says in Rom 7:14 that the Law is
spiritual and he is carnal-the carnal mind is enmity against God-therefore
against Truth, resistant to the Love of God, contrary to the Will
of God-it is not subject to the Law of God nor indeed can be!
What a horrendous problem!
All of us have parents, relatives, friends, school or work-mates,
neighbours. How do we really relate? What is the quality
of our relationships, the quality of our affections, the quality
of our love? What are the depths, values, reservations and fears
of these various relationships? How do we significantly improve
our understanding and experience of friendship, affection, intimacy,
love? Since the essence of all godly relationships is founded
on the Love of God, as expressed in the life and teachings of
the Son of God, then no wonder people ask: "What is love?"
Who knows the true God and His Son as Prov 30:4 asks? "What
is His Name, and the Name of His Son? Tell me if you know!"
A remarkable statement of relationship!
The pressures of recent events, current personal experiences,
observable trends in the world and among us, and requests for
this topic to be addressed, have pressed upon me to speak about
the nature of relationships: with spouse, with children, with
relatives and friends, with all categories of people we need to
communicate with, share, work, and to love-as God teaches.
Of the many pressures to address this subject, Fear and Relationships,
the most pungent has been the current frequent discussions with
my elder daughter, who is almost 24 years of age, and who is experiencing
some amazing discoveries. This has been going on, intensely, over
a period of some weeks.
RESPONDING TO PROVOCATION TO HEED
My daughter had gone, some months ago, to a concert given
by an American band called Secret Chiefs 3. During one
of the performances, Eyvind Kang (of Korean descent), picked up,
at one stage, a tenor horn-an instrument he'd bought the same
day. This brought back memories of the first instrument my daughter
had learned to play and of the encouragement I'd given her to
learn about good music so that-I hoped in the recognition of her
talents-she might compose music, lyrics, and perhaps write poetry
set to music. More important was the hope she would come to appreciate,
far better, music rather than
the boring and sensual pop and rock. During this performance,
in her exuberant enthusiasm, she yelled out "Tenor horn!"
After the concert the band member came down to talk to her and
she, with some friends, were invited to come to talk with the
entire band.
Secret Chiefs 3 is led by Trey Spruance, who is a composer,
lyricist, player of numerous instruments, musical engineer, is
anti-Rock 'n Roll, anti-establishment, and is involved in the
study of a mysticism probably influenced by Islam, particularly
that of Suhrawardi, a philosopher of the 12th century in Persia,
and a form of poetry called Ghazal. Since the albums are
not available in conventional outlets, my daughter found a postal outlet
in Melbourne. In hearing and seeking more of the music she e-mailed
a man in the USA who turned out to be the father of Trey. She
subsequently sent him a book, Babylon Mystery Religion by
Ralph Woodrow, which Trey also read and then published a satirical
summary on Xmas on his web page, Web of Mimicry,
with credit to my daughter for alerting him to the book. Trey e-mailed
my daughter, probably moved by the fact that she could talk so incisively
about his music and query him about his messages. My daughter
understands that music is the most powerful art medium with the
most powerful effects on the human spirit. Hence, the communication
has continued. Let me play a couple of short tracks from an album
entitled, Second Grand Constitution and Bylaws. Those of
you who know me, are you amused? The title brought back memories
of late March, 1997, when I was fired by my employer because I
would not fully endorse the corporation's constitution and bylaws.
I had insisted that my full endorsement could only be for
the absoluteness of principles and ethics in the Scriptures. The
constitution and bylaws are subject to change, but the Word of
the LORD is eternal.
(Play CD, track 1, "The Rose Garden of Mystery"-with
some comments; then part of track 10, "Hurqalya", with
some comment on the meaning of the music. Hurqalya has equivalence
to the Kingdom of God, the New Jerusalem. Comment: "Some
of the music you would probably dislike aesthetically because
of discordance-we'll leave that out").
During this past week, my daughter and I have been frequently discussing
a 16-page letter she's sent as e-mail to Trey Spruance. I'll quote
from her letter first, but I'll also use M. Scott Peck's book,
(first published in 1978), The Road Less Travelled (Rider,
1989), as a reference point-and will verify key issues from Scripture.
BEYOND THE LETTER
Why do I rave on and on about Love? Well, may I ask this question:
Where is it in the world today? The reason love has been
dominating my thinking is because it is so absent everywhere.
This really bothers me. It bothered me that Corbin [a modern
mystic?] lacked any direct reference to love anywhere
(that I found on a summary reading). Am I wrong, or does Corbin
lack something, leave something out? My anguish is this: I
see a lot of self-will, but I don't see a lot of 'Loving God as
a spirit-led Gift' not from self-will. So I may seem to
be preoccupied with this deficit I observe in the world. It doesn't
merely bug me. Have a look around-it really is ominous,
and rather menacing, when one considers the exponentially escalating
rate of decline. I don't like this scratchy-the-surface state
of being that is everywhere. My friend Kerin and I, though we
delight in each other's company, wish we had more friends around
who we can relate to on a deeper level, but these connections
are rare and scattered. So you just have to put up with it and
try and laugh and have fun all the same. Though many concepts
of 'fun' are illusory these days. So this love thing bugs me.
There's not enough around, and one wishes one could give and
create more of it. But if you're like me and have few friends,
it's a bit hard.
On an elevated scale, some women want to lord it over others,
want power (and so play games-mind games, body games with
their physical allure, sexual power) [see Prov 7]. Wanting to
be better or above others (in a manipulative and controlling way)
though appearing submissive is not loving, giving, compassionate,
nurturing, supportive, natural, tender, or humble. It is selfish.
Self-serving. Hierarchical. (All those things that 'noble'
women want abolished. Well and good perhaps, but it won't happen
if women don't first search their own hearts for that which
they want abolished).
Men, in their weakness toward embracing and exemplifying good
values, fail to embody submission (e.g., to God). Women, in their
unsubmissiveness to good values, fail to exemplify strength.
Strength and submission are beautiful and go together perfectly.
God said to Job, 3 times, 'Brace yourself like a Man'
[Job 38:3; 40:7; 42:4]. Greater strength in men, and greater
submission in women-in God-provides the dynamic
for relationship. Men seem to have an edge on awareness that
women need to listen to-in God. 'Being a man' is about confronting
every issue. A woman who confronts every issue therefore experiences
a masculine aspect of strength. Then when she experiences mercy,
forgiveness, generosity, supportiveness, sensitivity, she experiences
the feminine side, the tenderness.
Love doesn't just imply effort though really-it demands
effort. For it is in opposition to the inertia of human laziness
or the paralysis of fear. Effort then, implies and indeed
demands growth. This goes back to your plant analogy ….
Striving for the sunlight no matter what. Courage. Work. Choice.
God shows us that we must step out in faith and do what is really
right. If doing the right thing-expressing love, expressing natural
affection in a culture where the death of natural affecting is
putrefying all the atmosphere (2Tim 3:3a)-threatens our comfort
zones and discourages us because of apparent risks, and we withhold
proper expression and good action, then our faith will die
in our self-serving spiritual cowardice and fearful paralysis.
Job perfectly kept and practised the letter of the Law and so
received the natural rewards which flow on from that. But he
didn't perceive the gaps in his relationship with God-so
experienced a major humbling process in order to learn that Real
Understanding must come from the Heart. Honest and heartfelt.
He had to overcome self-righteousness in order to really understand
what it means to Love God from your heart. Job self-righteously
came treacherously close to making God the author of evil, thinking
that he (Job) was without blame. Job said he was a prince coming
to God [Job 21:28; 31:37]! He was a 'good' man-but couldn't
see the power of God in everything he did and achieved. He eventually
came to see that he has no control over anything-that he
couldn't really live by his own power. Any assumption otherwise
is arrogant. This isn't just about perfectly and righteously
upholding the Law, which is spiritual, not a code of tradition,
and observe the Sacred. Job kept the Law because he knew
he should, not because it was truly internalised. You
have to go beyond human effort. It has to be the Way of Living.
But what kind of spirit do you think a lot of (most) music around
today connects people with-the right type of spirit? That's
why I'm giving the Big Day Out [a recent all-day event featuring
many bands at the Gold Coast] a wide berth. Why be part of narcissistic,
ego-driven, exploitative, chauvinistic, puerile, shallow, boring,
empty homogeneity?! Even when at times it may seem aesthetically
pleasing (but can anything devoid of Truth be aesthetic?)-so people
are desensitised to Truth. Just to illustrate, as children mum
and dad protected us from fairytales, monster stories, bizarre
cartoons and the like, because these soften the mind.
Evil becomes less 'dark'. Evil must be attacked, which is why
the symbol of or a sword metaphor is repeatedly used to represent
truth. Evil must be attacked, not skirted around or compromised
with using avoidance strategy couched in "pithy hippy maxims"!
What many people do not completely understand is that evil must
be conquered with good [see Rom 12:21]. God is not a vengeful
Being. He wants resistance to evil coupled with conquering it
using truth and justice. I'd rather support musicians or any
artist for that matter who is doing something meaningful, heartfelt,
and honest. I think what you are saying is that honesty and heartfelt
reality are lacking. Fake music, fake people … I share your
contempt for them.
THE ROAD FEW TRAVEL
"[All of] This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.
It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend
it. [We begin to cope well and in this coping we learn]. …
Discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life's
problems. Without discipline we can solve nothing" (Peck,
15). Is discipline painful?
"Yet it is in this whole process of meeting and solving problems
that life has its meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that
distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth
our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they [help] create our courage
and [help to develop] our wisdom. It is only because of problems
that we grow mentally and spiritually. When we desire to encourage
the growth of the human spirit, we challenge and encourage the
human capacity to solve problems, just as in school we deliberately
set problems for our children to solve. It is through the pain
of confronting and resolving problems that we learn. As Benjamin
Franklin said, "Those things that hurt, instruct."
It is for this reason that wise people learn not to dread but
actually to welcome problems and actually to welcome the pain
of problems" (Peck, 16).
"Most of us are not wise. Fearing the pain involved, almost
all of us, to a greater or lesser degree, attempt to avoid problems.
We procrastinate, hoping that they will go away. We ignore them,
forget them, pretend they do not exist [This describes the persistent
tendency to deny, to lie to oneself; it is self-deceit (Jer 17:9;
Rom 8:7)]. We even take drugs to assist our ignoring them, so
that deadening ourselves to the pain we can forget the problems
causing the pain" (Peck, 16). The same applies to heavy drinking,
smoking pot, using ecstasy or other mind-altering drugs.
The following verses illustrate the Will of God in suffering:
God's Love is an act of His Will and anticipates that we, who
are called, chosen, faithful to the end, shall be perfect as He
is (Mt 5:48; Rev 17:14). In our humanness do we not give God much
pain, much grief, much disappointment? Do our weaknesses, failures,
shortcomings please Him? Am I suggesting that God is getting back
at us for what we do to Him? Most certainly not. We reap what
we have sown. We suffer for wrong-doing, for error, for breaking
principles-and even then we are not rewarded according to our
sins. We are victims-at our own hands and that of others-of folly,
lust, greed, warfare, irresponsibility, rejection of Good, self-will,
human blindness, arrogance, and all kinds of Evil. God is always
good, gracious, merciful. God's love towards us suffers long!
Ungodly love cannot tolerate suffering. Ungodly love-if I may
be permitted a self-contradiction: How can love be ungodly?
For it is not love!-ungodly love increasingly disappoints
and gives up easily because it seeks self-satisfaction rather
than the Will of God which seeks spiritual growth.
If a parent cannot tolerate the problems of suffering, pain, endurance,
perseverance, then how can children be taught such self-discipline.
May I use an example parabolically! In 1961, 10% of two-year olds
were not toilet trained. Today, some 78% of two-year olds are
not toilet-trained. Why? Because most parents think a little child
has the nous to decide for itself. A child understands
quite well that the more nappies used the more work there is for
mother and father. The more nappies or disposables used the more
joy the parents have because the child is not constipated. The
more diapers used the happier are the manufacturers, as youngsters
well understand. Since babies and little children understand all
this they should decide when it's time to use the potty, shouldn't
they? Pressure to apply self-discipline is anathema.
Modern affection, the ineffective affection of the
last days, precludes the use of physical pain and some discomfort
to reinforce lessons. Does this not contradict Prov 13:24; 22:15;
23:13-14; 29:15? Self-discipline causes pain, but asking the child
to do something when it is ready is teaching it to act
when it is, in all its childish wisdom and concern, self-pleased
and ready to do so. The groundwork for reinforced self-will and
emotional immaturity is being laid.
Notice the Scripture:
CHRISTIAN LOVE AND FEARS
Because many sins-especially those of lust (and particularly illicit
sexual desires, lust for wealth and luxury, hence the enticements
of gambling, and the inordinate will to power over others)-all
these seem so humanly alluring and pleasurable (see Heb 11:25;
Job 20:5; 21:1-15; Lk 12:16-21; Jas 5:5; 1Jn 2:15-17; Rev 18:1ff).
The human condition demands that the sin should be fulfilled because
of the pleasurable appeals to the flesh (Gal 5:17-21).
Let's review some of the most wondrous biblical verses on this
topic. Marital love is best described in the Song of Songs. That
is a huge and separate subject.
THE EPISTLE OF JOHN
IJn 2:15-17 Do not love the world or anything in the world
(i.e., all that is alien to God's values). If anyone loves the
world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For everything
in the world-the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes
and the boasting of what he has and does-comes not from the Father
but from the world. 17 The world and its desires pass away, but
the man who does the will of God lives forever.
1Jn 3:10-14,18-22 In this the children of God and the children
of the Devil are manifest: Whoever does not practise righteousness
is not of God, nor is he who does not love his brother. 11 For
this is the Message that you heard from the beginning, that we
should love one another, 12 not as Cain who was of the wicked
one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because
his works were evil and his brother's righteous.
1Jn 4:7-11,18 Beloved (which is how each of us should feel
and express-in godliness-towards one another), let us love one
another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of
God and knows God. 8 He who does not love (as God describes) does
not know God, for God is Love. 9 In this the love of God was manifested
toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world,
that we might live through Him (experiencing all things as He
did and does). 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but
that He loved us (by His acts of will in good faith and hope)
and sent His Son to be the propitiation (i.e., the means of sacrifice
and forgiveness) for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us,
we also ought to love one another.
Yes, I've touched some very sensitive nerve points! For even more
value we need to discuss further some points raised here, points
alluded to, points left out. Who would like to ask the first questions?
Today's subject-chosen because of the necessitating pressures
of recent and current events-may probably be the most feared
and most avoided spiritual issue of the human heart. Paradoxically
though, the hearts of nearly all people are assured they are comfortable
with the subject. What do people fear most? Death? Long-term illness?
Crippling? Endless pain? Poverty? Loss of a loved one?
The Bible makes significant reference (over 3000 times) to heeding,
responding, believing, seeing, hearing: He who has ears, let
him hear (Mt 13:9; Mk 4:9; Rev 2:7; 13:9). When we see, hear,
and heed wonderful things happen.
Few of us are blessed with opportunities and have the courage
to discuss issues of the heart-issues that inspire and direct
towards the Truth. What a blessing it is for a parent to discuss
highly relevant matters, essential principles and find rejoicing
agreement. Intimacy in shared godly knowledge builds and preserves
love. Here are parts of my daughter's letter, with my comments:
I'm glad you feel that life on earth is like a school and a nursery.
We must recognize that we are constantly learning and growing.
This cannot happen if we believe we know it all. This kind of
arrogance precludes listening, strengthens blindness, hates correction
and refuses to be questioned.
Life is about Courage and Work. The more we understand this,
this more we become in awe of the idea of a spiritual relationship.
And the more that enhancing and inspiring human-level experiences
just "happen" to blossom for people, which then reinforces
the concept (of togetherness in "spirit" beyond what
we know of human togetherness) and validates the inner being with
the deepness of human sharing that is possible, in all its various
levels of loveliness.
Be honest and ask yourself, "How many true friends do I have?"
Why so few, if any?
The more we treasure our challenges though, the more power becomes
available to us for the overcoming of them (provided our choices
are sound). We take joy in this (though we do have a proclivity
to experience anguish first) because we deeply value our personal
and spiritual growth, as well as the spiritual growth of others,
which should inevitably be intricately and inextricably connected
to our own.
The premise here is that people are willing to allow the interweaving
of their conscious feelings and deeper thoughts and emotions.
There is little evidence that people are really willing to share
their deeper secrets and motives-not necessarily all-for that
is for God to hear from us when we are ready to say to Him what
He already knows. And are we, like God, really interested in the
spiritual growth of others-yes, in all good relationships?
I can't help rejoicing in the way you talk about submission to
God.
This does not mean that the submission is just as God defines,
but there is the sense of some godly direction.
Women tend to have a problem with submission. Put simply, women
don't like being told what to do.
Do men like being told what to do? Behind this also, is a problem
with listening. Each man is right in his own eyes
and therefore listens to his own deceitful heart (Dt 12:8; Jgs
17:6; 21:25; Prov 16:2; 21:2).
What I am talking about here, is submission to the Path, the Way.
A man must do the same-so sometimes it is difficult and
semi-redundant to say what is the main fault of each. The problem
with men seems to be courage, therefore they are less inclined
to submit to the Way, and then they follow a weaker path.
We should recall the demands for good courage as in Moses' encouragement
to Israel (Dt 31:6-8), and as in David's words to Solomon in building
the Temple (1Chron 22:12,13; 28:20; also see Ps 27:14; 31:24;
Isa 41:6).
With women, the problem seems to be self-deceit and some kind
of innate rebellious streak [Refer to Gen 3:1ff; 1Tim 2:14].
And she, because she' a bit blind, is less inclined to submit
to the Way, and follows a weaker path. So elementally, we end
up with the same problem. "First Principles"!
And who has the courage to question and confront their own heart?
Generally though, women don't tend toward being control freaks,
as much as they tend toward a simple (complex) resistance against
being told what to do-exemplified in anti-listening behaviour.
For the mind hates Truth and prefers its own covetous desires-so
no wonder relationships break down. Emotional immaturity finally
brings the fowls, or fouls, home to roost.
Just so you know, I am talking in reference to what is good and
right-I'm talking about good values.
And who is ever seeking the true values? Do we recall the motto:
Recapture true values? At the same time hypocrisy, covetousness,
greed, self-interest, exploitation were dancing to the popular
noise.
Women also have a tendency to hold onto blame. No one is without
blame. So while being unsubmissive in a right sense [because
submission is "in the Lord" as Eph 5:25 says. Is submission
to Christ ever harmful, self-brutalizing, merciless, unjust?]
they can also be unmerciful, unforgiving, vengeful creatures.
Failure to direct individual energies and devote them properly
also give women a tendency to unhealthily 'merge', becoming [co-]dependent,
needy, possessive. This can be disguised behind feigned temperance
and tolerance, though is usually not very well hidden.
Men with good courage to live by the Will of God become truly
masculine. Women with good courage to live by the Will of God
become truly feminine. It's a mysterious Law.
Would you trust in and rely upon someone you didn't truly know,
someone you didn't feel you comprehended? Would you trust in
and rely upon someone you didn't 100% feel was behind you the
whole way, supporting you? Would you trust in and rely upon someone
whose goodness you were unsure of, whose motives were questionable?
Would you trust in and reply upon someone who you did not feel
was kind, just and good? Would you trust in and rely upon someone
whose wisdom you found wanting, someone who gave you doubts? Would
you trust in and rely upon someone who wanted less than the very
best for you? I think you and I both know the difference between
Belief and belief! Yes? Again, I would add that belief and faith
may seem fairly limited words, but as "First Principles"
are undeniable.
1Jn 4:17-19 says so powerfully: Love has been perfected
among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day
of judgment (like Job, and like Paul, we can finally freely admit
that we have answered all the hard questions about the thoughts,
intents, and motives of our hearts); because as Christ is, so
are we in this world.
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out
fear, because fear involves torment (instability, doubt, uncertainty).
But he who fears has not been made perfect in love (God is Love
and God is perfect)!
19 We love Him because He first loved us. (We'll come back to
these verses later).
The book of Job is the account of a man who knew God, who was
righteous, who loved God-so he thought! When Jesus Christ
spoke to him (chs. 38-42), after Job's younger friend, Elihu,
had done some preparatory work (chs. 32-37), Job came to SEE that
he had to see God as God is, not as he came to see by his own
'sincere' efforts. The methodology used is amazing! "Prepare
yourself like a Man (Hebrew, 'geber', a mighty warrior, a man
of great inner strength, who overcomes), I will question you,
and you will answer Me!"
This is by the Power of God-which we see so little of today.
Is it because we have can devour manufactured vitamins which give
us extra strength?
There's more to it than intellectually knowing something is 'bad'.
What is my daughter doing? She is taking risks in opening up to Trey?
If he backs off from the hard discussions her disappointment starts.
Marriages fail because they gradually accumulate disappointments.
Faith fails because it accumulates immature disappointments. Affection
fails because it is easily discouraged by perceived unhealthy
responses. After all, who endures in well-doing? Endurance fails
because of disappointment in not receiving self-willed outcomes.
Who overcomes evil with good? It's so much easier to criticise,
to go elsewhere, and spread the infection of a diseased mind.
Love fails because people fail to, and don't want to define,
for themselves, from the Scriptures, the all-conquering reality
of the love of God! Fear of failure, lack of faith in God's principles,
deters good actions.
Let's now look at some of Scott Peck's views in the light of Scripture.
"The journey of spiritual growth is a long one" (Peck,
12). Why? Because we are told to endure in well-doing (Mt 24:13;
2Tim 2:12; Tit 3:8).
"Life is difficult" (Peck, 15). ("Life is suffering,"
says the Buddha). Scripture confirms this:
Jesus Christ learned obedience by the things that He suffered
(Heb 5:8); there is fellowship in Christ's sufferings (Phil 3:10);
rejoice in participating in the sufferings of Jesus Christ (1Pet
4:13).
Does Christ suffer in people refusing His love? How does it feel
to be rejected by your own? Suffering is a vital means, under
the gracious care of the merciful God, of learning, of learning
to hear, to see, to feel and sense as one should! And we have
the indisputable assurance from the God who does not lie that
our trials will not be more than we can courageously bear-as 1Cor
10:13 promises.
Acts 5:41 [The apostles] departed from the presence of
the [Sanhedrin] council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy
to suffer shame for His Name.
They rejoiced that they suffered worldly scorn, false accusation,
misjudgment.
Rom 5:3-5 … we also glory in tribulations, knowing
that tribulation produces perseverance (Is perseverance painless?);
4 and perseverance [produces] character; and character, hope.
5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been
poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit which was given to
us.
For it is then that I, you, all who seek God-defined righteousness,
see the real need for divine power and help. In human weakness
and suffering we cry out for the help of God-we are forced to
turn to Him for Strength.
2Cor 12:10 Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in
reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's
sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
1Pet 4:16,19 If anyone suffers as a Christian, let him
not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter. …
19 Let those who suffer according to the Will of God commit their
souls to Him in doing good, as to a faithful Creator (who swears
to never leave us not forsake us).
If I'm to discuss the nature of relationships, why am I speaking
of pain, agonising, suffering, denial, avoidance, escape? Notice
this well-known Scripture that we might want to not think too
much about:
1Cor 13:4-8 Love suffers long!
What!? That's not what our perverse culture teaches us. Escape
from all pain is a hallmark of modern values. Valium. Morphine.
Euthanasia. These are first criteria for escape from suffering
and confrontation with the meaning of life. The human mind does
not value pain. People question the validity of "God is
Love," stated in 1Jn 4:8,16, because God allows so much suffering
and pain. But who causes the pain? What produces suffering? Is
it the goodness of God that does these things? And what does God
experience in loving each of us? What amount of joy do we bring
God? What amount of desire to commune with us do we give God?
What does God anticipate in us that He should persist in His mercy,
generosity, kindnesses, favours, and love toward each of us? Our
spiritual successes! Man produces sufferings which result from
ignorance, folly, rejection of and defiance against God's Laws.
And "Many are the afflictions of the righteous!" says
Ps 34:19.
Prov 13:24 Those who spare the rod hate their children,
but those who love them are diligent to discipline them.
It is very clear that discipline is painful, is disliked, is uncomfortable-but
the carnal mind is self-willed and fears discipline. Christian
discipline, discernment and self-control of motives, feelings,
fears, thoughts, intents and expression are acts of will guided
by the Will of God. But we have our cherished and resistant theories
as to how that discipline is taught. This OT Scripture (Prov 13:24)
is over 2000 years older than our grandparents. After all God
has been modernised since then. Perhaps He too enjoys a McDonalds
and Coke and recommends it as reward for children? How strangely
alien is humanly-rationalised love to God's Way.
The expression of affection, friendship, love, intimacy require
numerous acts of wise decision, informed and godly choices. Since
love is the essence of all godly relationships then wise decisions,
informed and godly choices are integral to the development and
growing maintenance of Christian relationships. Let's examine
this further in the well-known chapter.
1Cor 13:4-8 Love suffers long. Love is kind; love
does not envy (those who escape sufferings and seem to be rewarded
for evil); love does not parade itself (i.e., brag) (in any kind
of arrogance that flaunts God's(?) rewards), is not puffed
up; 5 Love does not behave rudely (or crassly), does not
seek its own (self-interests), is not provoked (i.e., is not unreasonably
upset), thinks no evil (i.e., is not motivated by hidden paranoia
and does not imagine non-existent evils); 6 Love does
not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the Truth; 7 Love
bears all things (that should be borne), believes all things
(that should be believed), hopes all things (that are godly hopes),
endures all things (according to the Word and Will of God). 8
Love never fails.
Healthy relationships, true friendships, are founded on knowing
who we are, understanding how we really feel, being aware of why
we feel what we feel, and bringing any untoward urgings into the
discipline of revealed Truth.
2Cor 10:3-6 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not
war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare
are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds,
5 casting down arguments (and false defence mechanisms) and every
high thing (self-conceit and false self-assurance) that exalts
itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought
into captivity to the obedience of Christ, 6 and being
ready to punish all disobedience (i.e., godly discernment causes
self-discipline and that is) when your obedience is (recognized
as seeking to be) fulfilled (in the Will of God).
Most of us are strangers to genuine love experiences and comfortableness
with expressions of affection: men with men, men with women, women
with women, women with men, men with younger men and women, and
so on. If you've not had much experience with love (NT Greek:
agape) and affection (NT Greek: storge) from parents
then how did you feel when you were hugged by the first same-sex
individual? How did you feel in being hugged, kissed, genuinely
complemented by the opposite sex? How do you feel if you do not
experience godly marital love and you receive Christian love from
the opposite sex? Does that cause emotional problems? And if your
father does not express godly love to you how do you feel when
other males express godly love to you? It's difficult, isn't it?
Your emotions may be thrown into turmoil. You may be emotionally
aroused in the most extraordinary ways. You don't know what to
do? You are perplexed by your feelings and thoughts. You may even
feel eroticised. Erotic love is that fire that suddenly
ignites when a man and a woman are momentarily set ablaze by that
mysterious and seemingly uncontrollable lust of the flesh, that
disquieting passion, those vibes of sensuality. But notice the
Scripture:
Gal 5:22-24 The fruit of the Spirit is love (and remember,
love suffers long, because love is the most complex and most wondrous
of all experiences); the fruit of the Spirit is also joy,
peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
23 gentleness, (and of necessity) self-control.
Against such there is no law (There is nothing to fear nor hide
if godly discernment and consequent self-discipline follow!).
24 And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its
passions and desires.
To crucify the flesh one must know and come to an understanding
of what is happening in one's head and heart. One must admit
to what one is suddenly feeling and thinking and govern it by
the guiding Word of God. One must break down the components of
one's perplexing feelings, crowded thoughts, and any inordinate
desires. Denial of the need to self-discipline is the beginning
of lies, confusion, and being swept up in the rush of loss of
control. The deceitful mind, the selfish and self-willed mind,
the mind that refuses to suffer in overcoming such experiences
wants these pleasures that only bring
more lies, more sins, more troubles, more perplexity, more frustrations,
more disappointments and alienation from Truth. Unless there is
overcoming there is loss of Christianity in one's life and much
more pain.
It is the eroticism of falling in love, that
has a goal and purpose that seeks to passionately satisfy the
urgings of the flesh. Do we fall in love with our children?
Do we, if we are godly, fall in love with friends of the
same sex? Do we fall in love with our grandparents? And
if we are Christian-as defined by Scripture-do we fall in love
with our parents? Erotic love seeks sensual satisfaction-that
is its purpose. Erotic love, responsible for the beginnings of
most affairs, might sometimes be the start of something that changes
and grows to become true love. Godly love, however, always has
the goal and purpose of satisfying the Will of God for man
and woman-with righteousness, profound godliness, excellence
of wisdom, the gifts of forgiveness, mercy, help and protection
from the Evil One, growth in the grace and knowledge of the Son
of God, and eternal life. When a woman and a man fall in love
are they thinking and acting according to principles that come
from decisions expressive of God's Will?
Every kind of loving relationship is addressed by the apostle
John in his first epistle. Let's consolidate God's teaching on
how not to fear love.
1Jn 1:3-7 that which we have seen and heard we declare
to you, that you also may have fellowship with us (i.e.,
the kind of difficult to imagine fellowship some people experienced
with Christ in His earthly ministry. This is what current ministry
and membership should experience); and truly our fellowship is
with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ.
The basis of all godly relationships within the Church is not
merely the knowledge of the divine relationship, but the living
experiences of knowing the Father and the Son. Fellowship of men
with men, women with women, men with women and women with men,
adults with children, children with adults-all these relationships
are to be as Scripture describes. Where our emotional needs, psychological
problems, ungodly desires preclude the Will of God we must see
what the various problems are, exercise self-discipline and overcome
all that is contrary to the Way we know Scripture describes.
4 And these things we write to you (and say to you) that our
joy may be full. 5 This is the message which we have heard from
Him and declare to you, that God is Light and in Him is no Darkness
at all. 6 If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk
in Darkness (the too oft unrecognized Darkness of wrong human
desires), we lie and do not practice the Truth. 7 But if we walk
in the Light as He (Christ) is in the Light (of the Father), we
have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ
His Son cleanses us from all sin.
All the varieties of human relationships are immeasurably experienced
if sin is not part of learning to love. Where there
is sin love is distorted and becomes something alien
to the Way of God. Yes, learning to love is painful, because it
is contrary to human desires. The disciple who is learning to
love, by the power of the Holy Spirit, must crucify the fleshly
desires of ungodly love and increasingly discover the wonderful
feelings and thoughts of godly love.
1Jn 2:4-11 He who says, "I know Him," and does
not keep His commandments (The previous verses in this epistle
are also the Commandments and Law of God), is a liar, and the
Truth is not in him. 5 But whoever keeps His word, truly the love
of God is perfected in him (a growth experience and wonderful).
By this we know that we are in Him. 6 He who says he lives
in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked. 7 Brethren,
I write no new commandment to you, but an old commandment which
you have had from the beginning (We are our brother's keeper;
Gen 4:9; and You shall love your neighbour as yourself;
Lv 19:18). The old commandment is the word which you heard from
the beginning. 8 Again, a new commandment I write to you, which
thing is true in Him and in you, because the Darkness is passing
away (as we overcome and gain good self-discipline over our wrong
and troublesome desires), and the true Light is already shining.
9 He who says he is in the Light, and hates his brother, is in
(the unrecognized) Darkness until now. 10 He who loves his brother
abides in the Light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him.
11 But he who hates his brother is in Darkness and walks in Darkness,
and does not know where he is going, because the Darkness has
blinded his eyes (and he cannot perceive Light, Truth, Love).
But is it not a strange irony that these brothers were worshipping
the same God and supposedly in the same Way? Division among brethren
is about the nature of love for God! Our definitions
of loving God unite or separate us!
13 Do not marvel, my brethren, if the world hates you. 14 We know
that we have passed from Death to Life, because we love the brethren.
He who does not love his brother abides in Death. (What a strange
thought: "Living to perish?")
There's so much more, but let's look at a little more in this
epistle:
18 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but
in deed and in Truth. 19 And by this we know that we are of the
truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. 20 For if our heart
condemns us (because we struggle with our human weaknesses in
thoughts and feelings in the matter of love for others), God is
greater than our heart, and knows all things (that our efforts
to overcome and conquer ungodly desires are genuine). 21 Beloved,
if our heart does not condemn us (because we persistently struggle
with godly efforts), we have confidence toward God. 22 And whatever
we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and
do those things that are pleasing in His sight.
18 There is no fear in Love; but perfect Love casts out (the)
fear(s) (that trouble us, the strange desires and feelings),
because fear (to not continue in the Way of God's Love) involves
torment (doubt, instability, anxiety, uncertainty). But he who
fears has not been made perfect in Love (which is the gift of
God and comes by the Power of God).
1Jn 5:1-3 Whoever believes that Jesus is the Christ is
born of God (and therefore grows in the nurture of God with the
experiences, thoughts, feelings approved of by God), and everyone
who loves Him who begot (i.e., the Father who begets all the saints)
also loves him who is begotten of Him (i.e., the Son of God and
all the children of God). 2 By this we know that we love the children
of God, when we love God and keep His commandments. 3 For this
is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments
are not burdensome (because Love is the greatest manifestation
of God's nature and the commandments show us how to love).
CONCLUSION
There is so much more to discuss-and we need to. Your questions
are welcomed. Let me conclude with a few amazing words from John's
third epistle.
3Jn 13-14 I had many things to write (I have much more
to say, to write, to explain), but I do not wish to write
to you with pen and ink (but I want to discuss so much face
to face); 14 but I hope to see you shortly, and we shall speak
face to face. Peace to you. Our friends greet you. Greet the friends
by name.
Have the good courage to show affection godly love to all who
are of the Faith which is according to the Scriptures. Let's see,
with the mind of God, our weaknesses and the things that bother
us that inhibit and distort godly love. Overcome all evil with
good (Rom 12:21).