CHRISTIAN FATHERHOOD AND PARENTING
© Norm Womersley
The Church of God in Williamstown
WEB SITE: http://www.alphalink.com.au/~sanhub/index_.htm

A PRACTICAL WAY OF LIVING
The criteria used by our Almighty Father to call each of us to be part of His Church at this time are a mystery to me. I cannot explain why I individually have been chosen and am being given the opportunity and privilege to be one of the firstfruits in God's Kingdom.
However, we can each know that "our time" is the best time for us.

It is a tremendous blessing, and we know that with it comes responsibility-and effort.

To succeed in our calling we first of all need to have as our primary goal in life the same goal that God has for us. This requires a personal analysis by each one of us of our beliefs, comparing them with the Truth of Scripture, as well an assessment of how we are progressing-as part of an on-going evaluation process, not just one preceding the Passover season. Even then, our overcoming, and our ongoing conversion-the taking on of God's nature, as exemplified by His first-born Son Jesus Christ-is only possible through the power of His Holy Spirit.

In the past, we erroneously focused on a truth like the Sabbath, or half-truths like tithing, and made a religion of such doctrines. We were taught and we observed many rules and regulations, but unfortunately we often overlooked principles. We conformed to men and rejected the truths of Scripture. We embraced a system, or a philosophy, even if we did perhaps discern some sound doctrines. Yet we were not called to some esoteric belief system, nor to dabble in some theological hobby to satisfy our intellectual vanity. Our calling is a practical one: to live the Way of Life now! It is much more than the theoretical understanding and the acknowledgment of Truth. Our calling, our overcoming, our growth, requires the regular and ongoing application of those Truths through a practical way of living now.

Humility in the application of the Truths of God, not a show of superiority or simple-mindedness, will lead us to the moderation and balance often referred to as temperance or self-control. This in a practical sense is our calling. The theory-which should be God's instruction, both scriptural and through His Spirit-needs to bear fruit, that is, tangible, practical results in our life, on a daily basis. This needs to occur in our community, with our friends and our enemies, and these practical, tangible results should be displayed even more especially in our families. A godly light cannot be hidden. For our physical families to be good, that is, successful in the eyes of God, they should reflect the relationships which both the Father and Jesus Christ demonstrate and exemplify in the holy Scriptures.

CHRISTIAN FATHERHOOD
Today, I would like to address the very practical subject of Christian Fatherhood and Parenting, covering basically two relationships: primarily the relationship of parents and children, but initially and importantly our marriages.

At the outset, let me state the most important aspects in the marriage relationship, from either a husband's or a wife's perspective: vital before marriage are a level of discernment of a potential partner's qualities and shortcomings compared to our expectations, together with an equally analytical assessment of our own strengths and weaknesses. This discernment is only the start; we then need agape love, wisdom and commitment to produce happy and rewarding marriages and to provide a good environment for nurturing children. All responsibilities and duties are not the fathers', but today this is where my emphasis will be. Not being a perfect father, I am not holding up myself as an example. However, I hope that some of the practical anecdotes from my past that I will be using will be helpful.

The Nature of God can be, and is for many, purely a theological, philosophical and theoretical argument, revolving around discussions about binitarianism, trinitarianism, unitarianism, and so on. We have hopefully come to grips with the factual theology. Now, armed with this knowledge of God, as attested to by Jesus Christ, His perfect, yet subordinate first-born Son and our elder brother, together with our relationship to spiritual Zion, the Church-our spiritual mother-we can better understand the principles which, if applied, would improve our families (Isa 54:5, 66:6-7; Eze 16; Heb 12:22; Rev 12:1-7).

Before we begin, we need to remember that we are not God, so let us all be humble and teachable. God is perfect, complete, full of knowledge, upright, mature and balanced. We are still learning. However, He desires that we all be like Him too, and we therefore should also want to help to develop these characteristics in our children.

LOVE, WISDOM AND LEADERSHIP

God is the perfect Father who has called us because He loves us. He is the all-knowing, all-wise Head of us all, with innumerable positive attributes, capabilities, and traits as part of His very nature. This godly nature which we need to emulate can be slotted into three primary, yet still interconnected, pre-eminent categories: love, wisdom and leadership. LOVE
Let's begin with the most important of these attributes, one which cannot be over-emphasised: love, namely agape love, that is, being tender and affectionate, considerate, charitable, kind, patient, generous, altruistic, forgiving, tolerant, receptive, compassionate, gracious toward, pleased with, fond of, merciful to, gentle towards. The practice of agape love is the primary scriptural admonition that husbands are given. Let us consider why.

Eros, or sexual love, is not mentioned, nor are commands to go fishing, to play golf or to utilise our computer skills on the Internet. The reason for this is that agape love is not our natural response, whereas all of these other activities are.

A lot of good advice for fathers there!

Again, agape love is being tender and affectionate, considerate, charitable, kind, patient, generous, altruistic, forgiving, tolerant, receptive, compassionate, gracious toward, pleased with, fond of, merciful to, gentle towards.

The King James Version translates this as "according to knowledge": in other words, know how they tick, have some savvy regarding the real physical and mental differences between men and women, not just the hormonal changes; understand the temperament, as well as the different physical and emotional needs.

Women's perspective is generally different to that of men. Women see the immediate and the short-term in graphic detail. Indeed, there can be so much involvement with detail that the larger picture is overlooked or minimised. Men, on the other hand, are often oblivious to the present, being more goal-oriented and having a sweeping, broad perspective uppermost in mind. However, both perspectives are necessary.

For children to grow up well-balanced, there does need to be a softer approach in many areas, and it is appropriate that a mother's approach be different to a father's. However, this fact doesn't even remotely imply that husbands and fathers should be henpecked, nor does this agape love we need to have mean that men should fail to confront issues as they see them. It means that we will genuinely, carefully and prayerfully consider our necessary reactions. Firmness doesn't always mean bluntness, candid doesn't always mean curt. We need to measure our responses.
I suspect that we will very rarely be faced with the dilemma of either a problem wife or rebellious children! Yet it is very easy to be self-centred, aloof, or even-dare I suggest it? -short-tempered and abrupt.

Let's look at some biblical examples. Notice how God dealt with the rebellious children of Israel (Isa 54:6; Jer 3:20).

This godly attitude is what we need to follow. A correct attitude of love initiated by us as fathers is what helps our children in their development. Children who grow up with love are more likely to show love. Tell them genuinely, often and in context. I found that I would tell the twins probably 10 to 15 times a day that I loved them, for instance, when they were happy, and after correction to show that reconciliation had again been achieved.

But it needs to be more than words. It should be the perception of our families that we love them; this responsibility is ours as fathers.
One elementary way of showing this love is by being a loving provider, as is our God and Father:

Just as our heavenly Father is our generous Provider, so we need to provide for our families. Providing for the needs of our families ought to be a number one priority in demonstrating our love, and will take time and effort. However, we must be aware that, for many men, being a workaholic comes easy and is a real problem; it is often far simpler for a man to make money than to develop family relationships. Men will tell themselves and others that they are doing it for their family.
Our responsibility in this area is to provide needs, not wants, and this requires both discernment and wisdom. Needs are the top priority, wants are secondary!

Nor are the needs of the family limited to food and shelter, as was no doubt the mentality fifty years ago. Dad worked and paid the bills, and Mum looked after the children. This would have been the perspective of many as I was growing up. Fathers must be aware of, responsible for and providing for the many complex needs of children. Food and shelter are obviously basic needs. However, analysing the specific needs of your family will require perception, the wisdom to discern exactly what these are, along the time and effort to implement solutions.
We have to ask God for help, because these family needs include many physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological ones. We must therefore be receptive to advice, to be approachable and discerning, then to have the capacity to go beyond theory and in a practical way provide for those needs.

PROTECTION
In love, as fathers, we also need to give protection, just as our heavenly Father does:

What springs immediately to mind is physical protection, and that obviously is the role and responsibility of a loving father. Protection can be from older siblings who may be treating the younger ones roughly, or against false allegations from adults and children. The line "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is a lie: false allegations need to be dealt with. Stupid allegations on the part of a minister against our younger daughter Jeanette and her friend Kellie nearly twenty years ago that they had conspired to cheat in their Y.E.S. lessons had to be dealt with. They both needed protection. It didn't require a baseball bat, just words. Bullies at school can make life very difficult for a child. Our elder daughter, Catherine, had that to contend with, and protection against this sort of thing can and should at times be a father's responsibility. Not over-protection, nor mollycoddling, not even motherly softness necessarily-but being a loving father.

More subtle is the responsibility and need for fathers to protect their children from negative influences: being mindful of where they are, whom they mix with (more care and concern is shown in some families over the family pet getting fleas from the neighbour's dog!), what our children read, what they listen to, or watch. Let's not be naïve or gullible, but instead check things out for ourselves. Some parents feel that they would be snooping to check up on what their children, especially their teenagers, are involved with.
Let's look at what God's standard is on the subject of knowing what His children are up to:

God reads our mind and knows our every thought. As fathers, we need to be able to understand how our children tick, and that can only happen if we are aware of what is going on. Remember, this will not always make a father popular. Popularity may be a goal for a politician, but Christian fathers need to have a long-term vision for their children who quite often do not have the maturity to see problems they may be creating for themselves. Let's be gentle, loving and forgiving, but let's not be naïve or gullible and kid ourselves that we are showing love when we are being neglectful. It is foolish to trust in flesh. Even right trust requires evidence and confirmation. It needs to be earned.

CORRECTION
As fathers we need to correct in love.

If we wish to produce balanced, outgoing children who have the potential to be good leaders as they mature, then we as fathers must set some general goals in terms what we expect our children to become: self-centred misfits or well-balanced leaders and examples within society. Before this is possible, we need to analyse and know both what these goals are (if you don't know where you are heading, you will surely not know when you arrive), as well as the specific needs of those for whom we are responsible. This will require perception and wisdom to discern, plus time and effort to implement. If we lack the capacity in certain areas we must involve others, for it still remains our responsibility.

As parents, we have the responsibility to control children, something that, with the breakdown in society, is happening less and less. Initially, this control is over everything: when they eat, what they eat-in fact even if they eat-when they are washed, if they are washed, what affection and love is shown (and for many it is not shown). Parental awareness needs to foresee danger: falling, burning, cutting, drowning. Then controls over the child need to be implemented to protect them. This is exercising agape love. Firstly, children have the ability to put themselves in danger and, secondly, children lack the awareness of danger. Although at times this lack of information in a child is not always apparent to parents, they do have more information in their data-banks to act to protect the child.

There are also many times when control and correction are not even remotely grasped by the child as being in his or her best interest. By control I also mean correction, chastening and discipline-I don't mean abuse and beatings! The correction I am talking about is not savage, but is in measure, and in love. Too many parents spend time explaining to a 2-year-old what doesn't need explaining; the small child needs to learn to listen, and then to obey, for the child's own sake.

Children need to be taught that they are children, to learn respect for adults, to understand that they are not equals with their parents, but that their parents are always approachable, as is God the Father, not aloof and disinterested in their problems. This is just a matter of training-much like you can train a puppy to sit, stand or lie, or a parrot to talk-but it should not be confused with child-rearing, as such training is purely preparatory for the far more difficult task of child-rearing, where values and character are moulded by loving fathers and mothers.

Explanation is appropriate and most necessary when an explanation can be understood intellectually. However, it does not replace the need for obedience, as correct data in the head doesn't necessarily mean correct decision-making. Human nature, self-will and obnoxious behaviour are all part of our carnality, so correct reaction to information is not automatic. We can all still be very selective as to what good information we will allow, even for our own improvement. Self-discipline only comes after learning from imposed discipline or when there is enough data available to convince-that is, if we will allow ourselves to be convinced. But this conviction through information is filtered by our self-will, our opinions, our prejudices; even as adults we are not always all that logical. So let's expect it to be automatic from a child.

What I am saying is that initially it is generally beyond the scope of our children to be able to understand the reasoning behind an instruction, or that for or against a decision, and even perhaps how and why a decision was arrived at. Our reasonings are not always acceptable to our peers, therefore don't expect acceptance and understanding from a child. So quite often disagreement can be the result. But what needs to be understood and impressed very early upon our children is that despite disagreement or lack of comprehension as to the whys, whens and hows, obedience is still expected.

When you detect lying and deceit, deal with it as a father. Correction is our responsibility as Christian fathers.

I have heard hundreds of times, generally from frustrated mothers: "Smacking him (or her) just doesn't work. They just don't take any notice!" The reality is that the child will indeed not take notice unless both the verbal and non-verbal correction is diligently and consistently applied. Inconsistency is one of the biggest problems of parenting. God is not inconsistent!
Training comes first, much of this being for the child's physical safety, not initially toward moral rectitude.

Relationships are complex, and analysing a difficult situation can take a lot of thought, as well as prayer, and perhaps even some input from somebody slightly removed from the immediate emotions of the situation. However, fathers still need to accept the responsibility to correct in love. Whether it be love and affection, or correction and discipline, to be effective all need to be consistent, and frequent, regular and repeated. This does not mean that a father should be unbending, but it does mean a that a father needs to be reliable, stable, faithful and permanent-not the casual, live-in type of father that is the only fatherly image many children ever know.
These qualities which we should be learning as Christians are the qualities of our Almighty Father.

REWARDING
Rewarding is also very necessary. This validates or confirms in a child the values that are being taught and absorbed. There is little more rewarding to a child than the approbation of a father who is honoured and respected. Compliments, positive evaluations and rewards are the confirmations of progress being made which are looked for by a child, and will lead to even further effort on its part. However, rewards should never be confused with bribes and appeasement, which are always counter-productive. Any perceived short-term gain brought about by such foolish action will be regretted by those who do not have the wisdom to see further than the end of their noses. Reward and correction are imperative when teaching, and obnoxious attitudes and behaviour must be controlled, by both mothers and fathers if they are to be successful in their parenting.

Whingeing, griping and being pedantic and picky will destroy relationships. Mothers do need to be especially aware that this as this is how they are often viewed, particularly as the decibel range indicates that they are losing control!

As God's plan for us is reconciliation with our heavenly Father, so reconciliation with our children needs to be our aim. We follow the same basic principles. But be aware, fathers, your time is short! If you are not succeeding, your child will switch off at about the age of 12 to 14. But if your job of fathering is indeed succeeding, your input will be valued for decades, even by adult free moral agents.

FATHERS AND MOTHERS
One of the main problems to rear its head in relation to the matter of correction is the often very different concepts of the father as opposed to the mother. Differences in approach to correcting the child need to be discussed between parents, but not at the time of conflict.

As a generalisation, fathers do tend to be straight-down-the-line, to expect a response to an instruction given, whereas mothers often see a need to cajole, flatter and coax, or to create a diversion, which is sometimes a reasonable approach, but which generally just detracts from the authority which is the responsibility of both parents. Even children under the age of two years can grasp this difference in approach if parents aren't particularly diligent and careful and, as a result, when they desire to be disobedient, they will run to mummy for support and protection, daddy being confirmed in their mind by mummy as austere and unbending. This image often suits a mother who encourages childhood dependence, the mother who wants to be needed, who perhaps lacks self-esteem and who looks for validation and confirmation of her worth and acceptance from the children. This is a very unhealthy environment in which to rear children and can parallel the patterns of behaviour of the churches of this world, who are the spiritual mothers of many. Not understanding the heavenly Father's goals, they see His law as austere and harsh. To validate their stance, they encourage reliance on their wishy-washy lack of responsibility, a dependence on the organisation rather than on the spiritual power of the God's leadership.

Many parents use the excuse that society prevents them from disciplining. This is not true, and those availing themselves of this argument are simply seeking to abrogate the primary responsibility we have as fathers and parents to raise children who are balanced, through our loving involvement, awareness, and an ability to project toward the goals we want for our families.

We as Christians also have the added responsibility of leading our children to God, while hopefully understanding that they also, especially upon maturity as adults, have been given free moral agency. We are not to be the controllers of our adult offspring-or in the Thomas the Tank Engine parlance of my grandson Michael: in middle-age we don't need to become the Fat Controller!

Correction in order to effect reconciliation is necessary. The principle is the same: just as appeasement will never produce positive results in our relationship with God, and we first need to repent, so do all children. There is a need for a child to realise that a change is required, to acknowledge an indiscretion-not publicly, but privately-to receive the hug or confirmation of forgiveness, and then, when reconciled, to go forward.

God rejoices in bringing many sons and daughters to glory. Similarly, if we implement the principles of godly fatherhood as we have the responsibility of doing, we too, along with our children, can experience great joy.

The security, protection and correction we as fathers are obligated to provide our children require emotional maturity and understanding on our part. Otherwise, we will produce more of the misfits that this society can well do without. We need to be part of the solution rather than adding to the problem. Set boundaries, limits, parameters, as long as you are prepared to enforce them. Don't bite off more than you can chew.

WISDOM
The second characteristic of godly fatherhood is wisdom. As fathers, we need to develop some wisdom as well as love, not only to help ourselves, but also to assist in the development of wisdom in our children.

Wisdom is a process. It begins firstly with us collecting knowledge, data, facts, much of which may initially seem to be irrelevant, historical, disconnected and unimportant. With experience, we assimilate and categorise this data, realising how, by using this knowledge, we can achieve results. As a 2-year-old I advised my brother who was five years older to cry in order to get what he wanted.

Through the process of such practical application and by assessing the results, we develop understanding. Wisdom is acquired when we, through the constant exercise of understanding, also come to the realisation of our own weaknesses, blind spots, prejudices and inclinations, yet despite these inadequacies, learn to apply the relevant data to bring about a principled response.

Solomon's Wisdom: Who owns the Baby?

Wisdom is practical, wisdom seeks solutions, wisdom comes from correct analysis, wisdom is patient-but doesn't accept or agree with rubbish-is long-suffering-because it has a sense of perspective, a proper awareness of timing, as well as a sense of humour-and does not provoke, but will confront when necessary.

THINK LONG-TERM
However, let us not be like the husband who said he made all the important decisions for the family and left the others for his wife but who conceded that, after 10 years of marriage, there hadn't been any important decisions yet!

Use wisdom, be perceptive, be wise as God is wise, not as the world thinks it is wise.

Jesus Christ was wise: David and Bathsheba taught wisdom to Solomon: Before we can teach wisdom, either by precept or by example-and hopefully by both-we need to develop it ourselves. Salt is a preservative that retards spoilage. Our speech should be tempered so as never to be insipid, corrupt or obscene. The wisdom we need to develop will not make us infallible, but will give us prudence, discretion, patience, a sense of humour and of perspective in our relationships. In a practical sense, this perspective and overview of our love and responsibility for family should lead us to not only make immediate provision for their needs but to also have in place practical, common sense plans for the long-term future. For example, we need a will to protect family, or possibly insurance (depending on assets and liabilities). None of us knows what tomorrow holds. These things should be common sense; they are also biblical principles: God has made plans for our future!

LEADERSHIP
This third aspect of godly fatherhood-leadership-follows logically.

There is not much leadership anywhere nowadays, and the effect on families and society in general is really quite devastating. The role models for many are the violent TV heroes who unfortunately add nothing positive to our society.

A father's leadership needs to inspire. This type of leadership gives understanding and leads to wisdom. Without a father's inspiration, the double-standards and hypocrisy of this world seem reasonable.

As fathers we need to look to our heavenly Father's example. Like Him, the human father needs to have an overview of what is being achieved.

Christian fatherly leadership is far more than being the boss. It is not about position, status, or privileges, as are most worldly leadership positions. The motive of a leader should be, and most certainly will be questioned from time to time by those that are being led. Trying to be a godly leader doesn't mean that your leadership will be always appreciated, either. In fact, it would be foolish to expect admiration and approval just because what you are doing is for the best for others. Let us notice what happened to Moses, a godly leader being led by Jesus Christ. And this after 400 years of slavery!

The perspective of difficult decision-making being unappreciated can be painful to come to grips with.
Yet we know Moses was not arrogant. In fact, he was one of the meekiest of men.

Moses was also a godly leader. And godly leaders need to have vision: Fathers should prepare, plan and reward, again, after the pattern of our Father in heaven. Godly leadership as a father needs to be about our responsibility toward others, and it does have broad implications. Sometimes there will be a conflict of interest and this will have to be addressed-remembering needs first, wants second. Our primary responsibility is toward our wives. Handling that responsibility well should enhance our relationship with our children, although this unfortunately does not always automatically follow. As well, there is a responsibility toward our parents, our brothers and sisters, our neighbours, our community. There can be jealousies to overcome, insecurities to handle. I have known even of wives jealous of the affection shown by the father toward the daughter, and that has been within the Church, too, so we should not take conversion for granted. Dealing with this is difficult and leadership, wisdom and love will all be necessary, for if this type problem is not overcome family breakdown can result.

THE DEMANDS OF GODLY FATHERHOOD
Before we can competently lead our families we do need a degree of confidence, a conviction about the direction in which we are leading. We should also fully expect that confidence to be criticised at times ("arrogant", "dictatorial", "overbearing" are just some of the terms that do come readily to mind!). That is why emotional maturity is paramount before marriage, before the responsibility of leading a family is undertaken, for criticism does have to be assessed and dealt with, not just ignored. This maturity requires us to have the ability to recognise our own shortcomings and inadequacies; but, by the same token, let's not be too concerned if we haven't recognised them all, for we can all be certain that our wives will point out more of them to us after we are married, even if they have to make them up!

We can all criticise our fathers. My children can and do criticise me, and that is normal. When I look back critically at my father, who is almost 90, I can see how positive an impact he has had on my life. I admired him 50 years ago and still do, despite all his short- comings. I disputed with him, he annoyed me at times, and still does, and I am sure I often annoyed him. Yet my overall appreciation of my father has been for his stability, his sense of responsibility, his positive qualities of leadership, his common sense wisdom in many areas of life, and for the obvious love he showed in providing for his family, myself included, all of which gave him credibility in my eyes. These were my impressions not just only while growing up as a child, but even now as an adult critically assessing another human being. He has not been called, is not a Christian, and has no perspective of a world to come. How much more must there be a responsibility on me! I hope that my children and yours can think the same way about us as parents.

Leaders. That includes us all. As fathers and potential fathers, we need to be reliable, responsible, just and stable if we are to retain credibility in the eyes of our wives and children. Many aren't. What about us?

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