Mommy Dearest

Hi ma, I've come back home,
Cause I don't like this world we live in.
For all my faults and failures please tell me I'm forgiven.
I want my old womb back my cozy cubby-hole.
I want to be your child again before I get too old.
Mummy dearest, mother mine,
It's me your baby boy.
I know what's lacking in your life,
That old maternal joy.
So let's boil up some water,
No need to get a nurse.
It'll be just like the virgin birth,
But only in reverse.
Mother dearest, mother mine,
It's me your only son.
Freud would have a field day,
Trying to understand this one.
Let's have a natural re-entry,
Most doctors say it's easier.
But I've brought a butchers knife,
Just in case you want a caesar.
It's not some old wives tale,
Or some unfortunate wisecrack.
But you could use some extra weight,
And I need to take a nine month nap.
And I've been good, I've been good,
Now I deserve a small reward.
Don't want my birthday suit,
I want to wear my umbilical cords.

'The ones with the jumbo flares with the spot of blood around the cuff'

Mummy dearest, mother mine,
Look what the stork brought back.
I don't want no damp bunk bed,
I want my fetal sack.
I was a sad and lonely child,
I wish that you'd had twins.
And if you can spare the room Ma,
I'd like to bring some friends.
Mummy dearest, mother mine,
It's me your pookie bear.
I don't want to hurt you,
Or soil your underwear.
Cause you're my guru, my ma,
My host, my home, my mentor.
We could have a three course meal,
If we boil up the old placenta.
We could have a three course meal,
If we boil up the old placenta.