Wednesday October 29
rest in peace
poor souls, poor poor souls. i only found out today about elliott smith. i read in inpress that he stabbed himself in the heart. i'm so...
Monday October 27
friday night rehearsal
ok, so the production team is still waiting in the barracks until next saturday. last friday night however, things, strange things were let loose.
after school ross and rohani and i went partying, deep dish, lincoln and then a party at dan's place. the amyl nitrate really made this a new experience and other than that i can't really remember much. i think (hope) that i have the actions buried somewhere not too deep but for the life of me i can't remember what conversation was used to fill the gaps in between. i remember talking to people but i can't remember a single word spoken. oh yeah, and also, i kissed the dan guy - who is supremely hot by the way - but it seems i just made a fool of myself, yet again. i really need to get a grip on this whole working with guys thing. i just don't get it yet...
Friday October 24
final days
friday the 24th october, final day of my teaching placement, the last class i may ever teach has been completed and my first staff room friday night drinks may very well be my last. there are a few more weeks and many assignments left to the university course, but today has been my last pratical experience in the profession unless i one day get a job.
margo, ross's supervising teacher called me a slacker for not grasping the teaching industry with vigour. 'get a job you slacker' she said, when i explained my intentions to see out the academic aspects of my burgeoing carreer paths. i think she has issues with her children. its a common theme among the staff here, and i wonder if my mum thinks of me like that. i know my dad does, but they should be reasonably proud of me actually completing this vocational course.
actualy i received another set of very good marks and my job prospects, being chemistry and history, science and humanities, are looking quite good. i really should apply if only for my own personal confidence.
melinda, im still waiting for a reply from you! email me, i want to know what happened to you in amsterdam. and who this mysterious dublin girl is. actually im still a bit confused over the sms you sent me, actually all the sms's you sent me are confusing me. but in particular the , 'i want us to be good friends forevor, im drunk in munich' sms. talk to me! ok, i cant wait, and i hope your having fun!
lastly, a big thanks to ross, my driver and friend during these rounds in viewbank. youve made me feel guilty with all the work you have done this round. your supervising teachers have both seemed to give you challenges which is great. mine was really quite annoying, she just wouldn't shutup in class, she was worse than the students, interupting me, talking when i asked for silence, and today, speaking during the movie. for fcuks sake! shut the hell up! sorry, anyway, ross i hope you do well. as far as i can tell you deserve it.
Thursday October 9
career in the country
today i had the crazy idea of actually teaching next year, maybe i should get a real job? previously on james again... ive stated a few times that further education (in the form of honours in chemistry) is "the plan" but really, to force a change in my life would probably be a good idea. thus was born the idea of working in the country. maybe i could get one of those teaching scholarships, a get yourself started grant, work in some small country town, near the coast or the mountains. find some local head space.
and i can't help but be inspired by the ron sexsmith song, lebanon tennesee. "dont know anybody there and, nobody knows me".
Monday October 6
ross driver
managed to get a lift home with a fellow student teacher, which is really quite fantastic... ross will pick me up tommorrow as well. quite a nice guy, he used to go to ivanhoe grammar as well.
college with a view
practicum, placements and rounds. today i head off to viewbank college to begin my third and final experience program offered with my grad diploma of education. a couple more months and i will be a fully qualified teacher, but first i have three weeks of miss-organisation to put up with. i don't even know what the hell i am going to be teaching.
Monday September 29
career in coffee
its that time of year again. it must be a slight change in weather, the sun is coming out and thoughts move inexplicably to the beach and the near-future when beach activity might actually be possible. the weekends look brighter, the summer months seem closer, and then next year suddenly pops up its ugly head.
i have no idea which path my life will take, even in the next few months. i recently rehashed my old dream of owning a cafe/bar in melbourne. i saw a job advertised for a barista and applied. i figured that i could do that all next year while further procastinating in further education developing the skills to become a highly educated but apathetic cafe-lican. i would still love this dream to come true.
actually it all started in kiwi land. in the wonderful university town of dunedin i visited this abslutely awesome cafe - i still even remember the name - the arc cafe. and my dream cafe is now permanently embedded in my head, a pastiche of great memories from cafes all around the world. i really should at least try to realise my dreams?
Wednesday September 17
stopwork
a nationwide teacher strike, hit the streets of melbourne today. really i should be supporting higher wages for teachers, what if i wnat to be one, one day? i should rally with the masses, instead... im at home contemplating drawing a monkey in support of sexual diversity. dont ask.
and i wonder; the state of apathy; social conformity and career unemployment; a revolutionary post-urban nomadic lifetstyle... how much of these philosophical dreams really solve my problems and how much just give me something to think about, other than my problems.
Tuesday September 16
the evolution of men
i just read an article by beth shaw in the latest edition of the uni mag, farrago. the article is just screaming for a reply, and im tempted. to summarise badly, the article comments on feminism as defeating romanticism. men just dont seem to court beth like she sees in the movies, with relentless pursuit and hopless romanticism because of evolving gender roles that see women as the pursuers of mens jobs, wages, and ... therefore affection?
the effect of feminism on men. has it destroyed our romantic hearts? are women truly no longer inferior, subordinate, and subject to domination through courtship? does equality mean that the romantic pursuit is now seen as sexual harrassment, or stalking?
truly i think it is a quality left to a few these days, to be confident enough to be daringly romantic, but its not evolving gender roles; feminism isnt the only revolutionary social movement in the last fifty years. more so, that the object of beths fantasies is a rare find, probably echoes the truth about society with or without feminism. true love is rare?
im not sure where i am with this one, i guess i dont have a strong gender identity, but i feel there is some passionate response just below the surface. ill come back to this... soon.
Monday September 15
melinda emails
melinda sent me an email. its been a funny period of minimal communication between us, miminal meaning superficial as well as generally lacking, the period being weeks before she left for the over many seas continent of europe. its the first real communication ive felt from her... and her email follows my reply...
hey :)
before i go on, i sould really address the tape. im sorry that it isnt very explicit in conveying its meaning, which must be understood in a very explicit context, that is, well, not documented, and hardly alluded to in the tape, except maybe the first track. it was kind of meant to be a narrative, a sort of exploration of what i was expecting to go through at your going away party thing. i made it that day, and as you know, i wasnt so, well... i wasnt super enthusiastic. and i was scared, for no good reasons, really. so i hope you didnt take it too weirdly, it was just what i was thinking i might be feeling at the party, and it didnt all come true :) hehe so that was good. actually i had a much better time than i thought i would.
but anyway, youve probably got much better things to do than read emails from me. i hope your tour goes well... and that your looking after lisa, and having fun. if you find a cool postcard, (it must be really cool though) send it on.
have fun
james xo
ps: to answer ur questions: uni is good this semester, yes will prolly do chem next year, ive been quite well, feeling fine and having fun. very busy though.
>From: "Melinda Heron" <********@hotmail.com>
>To: ********@hotmail.com
>Subject: Re: new puppy
>Date: Sun, 14 Sep 2003 22:28:41 +1000
>
>Hi!
>
>ive been thinking about emailing you for awhile but havent really
>known what to say...it hasnt all been fun but yes i like being over
>here. we have been to england, scoltland and presently we are in
>ireland. last night we flew in at 11pm and couldnt find anywhere to
>stay because there was some sport thing on, the "hurling" ....im
>still not sure what that is heheheeh
>
>tomorrow we are actually going a three day tour which should be
>relaxing because the constant orgainishing is very exhausting. but
>london was really nice, i especially liked bath and bradford on
>avon. edinburgh was really nice, glasgow was a hole but a university
>town, lots of punks hehehe. dublin is nice, especially the people.
>we were sitting in a part just before and there was all these drug
>dealing though heheheheh
>
>crazy...
>
>how have you been? uni? what have you been up too? thought anymore
>about what you are going to do? honours in chemistry?
>
>thanks for the tape...im not really sure what to say about that...i
>listened to it quite a few times before i left but i didnt bring any
>music...i got so stressed before i left, you have no idea how many
>things i forgot to bring and how frantic i was...hmmmm anyway im
>having fun, hope you are too :p
>
>melinda
Thursday September 11
twoday headache
the last couple of days have been hell, early starts in distant locations, late nights for no particular reason. i really should be in bed by now, and i really should get up early again tommorrow. ive had a constant headache for two days now. i don't remember ever falling asleep with one and waking up with it still present, do you still dream like that?
i dont often remember my dreams and last night was nothing different. im just wondering what it would have been like? is a headache only manifested in a fully conscious state? because as you know, alcohol (and many other substances )seem to numb the pain.
the groups i have affiliated myself with for this epss class, the diversity and the production teams are moving relatively slowly, relatively being used in contrast to the other teams. Team Diversity especially is really not branching out that much and i feel like im having to pull them along a little bit. i hate that role, why do i put myself in dominant positions that i will undoubtedly resent? i think this is the main issue i have with teaching. i don't want to be a teacher because it is a job that requires you to dominate a group of people. and as much as you want to give the students autonomy over their learning you have to be in control and you are certainly responsible.
im not throwing responsibility out of my life just not if it means over 'people'. ive only just decided to be responsible for me... and sometimes thats only an abstract kind of decision.
Tuesday September 9
sexuality in crisis
ive been reading a lot into sexuality; orientation, identity etc... for my part in the website on school policies. ive joined a support group for gay and lesbian beginning teachers. ive attended lectures on the subject and... ive almost come out to people...
actually i thought i had more effectively than is actually the case. now im really not sure what people think about me. gay? or bi or straight? i really have no idea. which is good in a way, i get to act exactly like me, myself, and not just take the easy route and conform to whatever they think i am. there was this guy who i thought was coming on to me, based on the fact that i thought i had come out to him, but no... neither had happened i believe. i truly am a lost cause...
but i am accepting my sexuality in whole new way, as the new beginning ive been looking for.
Monday September 8
where am i?
as of right now and for the last many many months and surely for the many to come, my best friend is no where near me. at the moment its a geographical separation. shes in england, and reading her latest email she seems to be following my footsteps of almost five years ago. london, salisbury, bath, next stop scotland. im feeling so much pressure to get over melinda, fall in love again, be close to people again, to 'find a new version of me' (to quote JJ Abrams), be james again...
i dont know what will happen when she comes back, but i feel im changing so fast at the moment and for the first time in a long time without her, that whatever is happneing is permanent. its scary to think what i might become without any influence but myself. ive had this feeling once before and melinda saved me, how do i save myself?
melinda? are you there? if you read this, i want to know if you listened to my tape? if you think about me? if you remembered my birthday? i want to know why?