Hash Him Book
Bawdy songs of the Howlers
The Melbourne Full Moon Hash HouseHarriers



Songs compiled by Mike "Father" Lyons and Ray "Mother Superior" Smith. Songs have links to midi files collected by John "Klingon" Perkins.  Suggestions: email
Note: The Hash House Harriers typically use bad language (but not in an offensive way). If you are liable to be offended then do not read below.
 

CONTENTS
ALLOUETTE
AS I WAS WALKING THROUGH THE WOOD
BALLS TO Mr FINKELSTEIN
BARNACLE BILL*
CATS ON THE ROOFTOP
DINAH*
FATHER ABRAHAM
GIVE ME THAT GOOD OLD VINO
JOHN PEEL
IVAN SKAVINAKY SKAVAR
JACK AND JILL
LILLY THE PINK
MY GOD HOW THE MONEY ROLLS IN
OLD KING COLE
POOR LITTLE ANGELINE*
RING THE BELL VERGER
RODINE SCHOOL*
SING US ANOTHER ONE DO
SIR JASPER
SOME DIE OF DRINKING WHISKY
SWING LOW SWEET CHARIOT
THE GOOD SHIP VENUS
THE MAYOR OF BAYSWATER
THE PUB WITH NO BEER
THEY OUGHT TO BE PUBLICLY PISSED ON
WHY ARE WE WAITING?
WHY WAS HE BORN SO BEAUTIFUL?*
THE WILD WEST SHOW*

LINKS TO MORE SONGS PAGES & OTHER HASH SITES

Click on song to go there. Click 'Back' to return to contents.
* Link to music unavailable
 

ALOUETTE
Melody - Alouette
(Unsuspecting female volunteer needed)

CHORUS:
Alouette, gentille Alouette,
Alouette je te plumerai.

Leader: Does she have ze stringy hair?
All: Oui, she has ze stringy hair.
Leader: Stringy hair,
All: Stringy hair,
Leader: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah, aah . . . (chorus)

Leader: Does she have ze furrowed brow?
All: Oui, she has ze furrowed brow,
Leader: Furrowed brow,
All: Furrowed brow,
Leader: Stringy hair,
All: Stringy hair,
Leader: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah, ahh . . . (chorus)

Wooden eye (Yes I would!) . . .
Broken nose . . .
Blow job lips . . .
Two buck teeth . . .
Double chin . . .
Swinging tits . . .
Beer belly . . .
Bulbous butt . . .
Furry thing . . .

Leader: Now isn't she a nice-a girl?
All: Oui, she is a nice-a girl,
Leader: Nice-a girl,
All: Nice-a girl,
Leader: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah . . .

Chorus

Leader/all: How I love her (repeat all)
 

AS I WAS WALKING THROUGH THE WOOD
Melody - 100th Psalm

As I was walking through the wood,
I shat myself, I knew I would.
I cried for HELP, but no help came,
So I shat myself again.

As I was walking through Saint Paul's,
The vicar grabbed me by the balls.
I cried for HELP, but no help came,
And so he grabbed my balls again.

As I was walking through Saint Giles',
Some bastard grabbed me by my piles.
I cried for HELP, but no help came,
And so he grabbed my piles again.

As I was walking down the street,
A whore grabbed me by the meat.
A whore grabbed me by the meat.
I cried for HELP, but no help came,
And so she grabbed my meat again.

As I lay sleeping in the grass,
Some bastard rammed it up my ass.
I cried for HELP, but no help came,
And so he rammed it up again.

There were two crows up in a tree,
As black as black as crows could be,
Said one black crow unto the other,
"You are one black enamel fucker."
 

BALLS TO Mr FINKELSTEIN
Tune:The more we are together

Balls to Mr Finkelstein, Finkelstein, Finkelstein
Balls to Mr Finkelstein, dirty old man.
He upped her, he downed her,
He fucking near drowned her,
So balls to Mr Finkelstein, dirty old man
Chorus:
The old bastard, the old
cunt shit fuck him.
And balls to Mr Finkelstein dirty old man.

He keeps us all waiting while he s masturbating
So balls to Mr Finkelstein, dirty old man
He insults the virgins with nasty aspersions
So balls to Mr Finkelstein, dirty old man
Chorus:
 

BARNACLE BILL
Tune: ?????

Who se that knocking at my door?
Who se that knocking at my door?
Who se that knocking at my door?
Cried the fair young maiden.
It s me it s Bill, from over the hill
Cried Barnacle Bill the sailor.
It s me it s Bill, from over the hill
Cried Barnacle Bill the sailor.
Why are you knocking at my door?~
Cried the fair young maiden.
Open the door you silly old hoare
Cried Barnacle Bill the sailor.
Will you sleep apon my breast~
Cried the fair young maiden.
Bugger yer breast, I m here for the rest.
Cried Barnacle Bill the sailor.
You can sleep between my thighs~
Cried the fair young maiden.
Bugger yer thighs, they re covered with flies.
Cried Barnacle Bill the sailor.
But a baby might be born~
Cried the fair young maiden.
We ll drown the bugger, and fuck for another
Cried Barnacle Bill the sailor.
 

CATS ON THE ROOFTOP
Tune: D'ye Ken John Peel

When you wake up in the morning with the devil of a stand,
From the pressure of the liquid in the seminary gland,
If your wife s not willing well, dammit use your hand,
As you revel in the joys of masturbation
Chorus:
Cats on the rooftop, cats on the tiles,
Cats with syphillis and cats with piles,
Cats with their arseholes wreathed in smiles,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
Chorus
The ape is large and rather slow
Erect he stands two metres or so,
So when he comes it s time to go,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Chorus
The elephant s ball is big and round,
A small one scales a thousand pound,
Two together rock the ground,
As they revel in the joys of fornication
Chorus
The donkey is a lonely bloke,
He hardly ever gets a poke,
But when he does he lets it soak,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Chorus
The hippopotamus, so it seems,
Very, very rarely has wet dreams,
But when he does it comes in streams,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Chorus
The orangutang is a colourful sight,
There s a glow in its arse like a pilot light,
As it jumps and it leaps in the night
As it revels in the joys of fornication.
Chorus
 

FATHER ABRAHAM
Melody - Itself

Leader: Father Abraham had seven sons,
Seven sons had Father Abraham,
And he never smiled,
And he never cried,
All he did was go like this - With a right!

All (shout/actions): With a right! (extend right arm)

Leader: Father Abraham had seven sons,
Seven sons had Father Abraham,
And he never smiled,
And he never cried,
All he did was go like this - With a right!

All (shout/actions): With a right! (extend right arm)
Leader: And a left!
All (shout/actions): And a left! (extend left arm)

More verses/actions:
With a right! (extend right leg)
With a left! (extend left leg)
And a HEEEE! (hump pelvis)
And a HUUHH! (turn around, drop pants, moon pack)
 

GIVE ME THAT GOOD OLD VINO
Melody - Ceilito Lindo

I like my whisky - it makes me feel frisky
But give me that good old vino.
I like my vino,
Vino supremo.

CHORUS:
Aye, yi-yi-yi,
Si, si, senora,
My seester Belinda she pissed out the winder,
And filled my brand new sombrero.
 

OTHER VERSES: (replace first line with ...)
I like my gin - it helps me get in,
I like my brandy - it makes me feel randy
I like my Anker - it helps me wank-a
I like my stout - it helps me get out
I like my martini - it's good for the weenie
I like my rum - it helps me come
I like my cider - it helps me fit inside her
I like my lager - it helps me feel larger
I don't like light beer - it makes me queer
I like my champers - it helps fill my pampers
I like my coke-a - it helps me poke-a
I like my beer - it helps gonorrhea
I like my wine - it stiffens the vine
I like my port - it helps me disport
I like my claret - it stiffens the carrot
I like my liquor - it makes me come quicker
I like my schnapps - it helps cure the clap
I like my Foster - it helps me accost her
I like my Shiner - nothing could be finer,
I like my Sam Adams - it gives me orgasms
I don't like my Schlitz - it gives me the shits
I don't like my Bud - it softens the pud
I don't like my Zima - it gives me eczema
I don't like my Coors - it tastes like old sewers
I like my Jack Daniels - it helps me fuck spaniels
I like my Mateus - it makes women loose
 

JOHN PEEL
Tune: D'ye Ken John Peel

Remember John Peel with his balls of steel,
And his prick of brass and his celluloid arse,
Remember John Peel with his batls of steel,
As you revel in the joys of fornication.

Chorus
A thousand verses all in rhyme,
To sit and sing them seems a crime,
When we could better spend our time,
Revelling in the joys of fornication.

DINAH
Tune: ????

Chorus:
Dinah, Dinah show us your leg
Show us your leg, show us your leg
Dinah Dinah show us your leg
A yard above your knee.
The rich girl rides a limousine,
The poor girl rides a truck,
But the only ride that Dinah gets
Is when she has a fuck.
Chorus:
The rich girl wears a brassiere,
The poor girl uses string,
But Dinah uses nothing at all
She lets the buggers swing.
Chorus:
The rich girls wears a ring of gold,
The poor girl one of brass
But the only ring that Dinah s got
Is the one around her arse.
Chorus:
The rich girl uses vaseline
The poor girl uses lard
But Dinah uses axle grease
Because her cunt s so hard.
 

IVAN SKAVINAKY SKAVAR
Tune: Abdul Abulbul Emir

The Harlems of Egypt are fine to behold
The harlots the fairest of all
But the best was a Greek, who was owned by a sheikh,
Named Abdul Abulbul Emir.

A travelling brothel came down from the North,
Twas privately run for the Tsar,
Who wagered a hundred no-one could outshag.
Count Ivan Skavinaky Skavar.

A day was arranged for the spectacle great.
A holiday proclaimed by the Tsar.
And the streets were all lined, with the harlots assigned,
To Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

Old Abdul came in with a snatch by his aide,
His eyes bore a leer of desire,
And he started to brag how he would outshag,
Count Ivan Skavinaky Skavar.

All hairs they were shorn, no frenchies were worn.
And this suited Abdul by far,
As he d quite set his mind on a fast action grind,
To beat Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

They met on the track with cocks at the slack,
A starter s gun punctured the air.
There came gasps of surprise, at the size of the rise.
Of Abdul Abulbul Emir.

They worked all the night in the pale yellow light.
Old Abdul s arse rewed like a car,
But he couldn t compete with the slow steady beat.
Of Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

When Ivan had won he then shouldered his gun,
And bent down to polish the pair,
When something red hot up his back passage shot.
Twas Abdul Abulbul Emir.

The harlots turned green, the crowd shouted Queen'
They were ordered apart by the Tsar,
Twas bloody bad luck, for poor Abdul was stuck.
Up Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

The cream of the joke only came when they broke.
Twas laughed at for years by the Tsar.
For Abdul.poor fool, had left half his tool.
Up Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.
 

JACK AND JILL
Tune: Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jill came down with half a crown,
But not for fetching water.
 

LILLY THE PINK
Tune: unavailable

Chorus
So let s drink to drink to drink
To Lilly the pink the pink the pink
The saviour of the human race,
For she invented medicinal compound,
Most efficacious in every case.

Mrs McAilment had a peculiar ailment,
She could hardly fill her blouse
So they rub, rub, rubbed medicinal compound,
Now they milk her with the cows.

Chorus
Miss Moritis had acute nephritis
She could hardly raise a pee,
So they rub, rub, rubbed medicinal compound,
Now they pipe her to the sea.
Chorus

So poor Sam Vesticals had very small testicles,
They were half the size of little peas,
So they rub, rub, rubbed medicinal compound,
Now they hang down below his knees.
Chorus

Poor Lilley HorrorFace had a small orifice,
She could hardly take a man at all
So they rub, rub, rubbed medicinal compound,
Now she takes them, boots and all
Chorus
 

MY GOD HOW THE MONEY ROLLS IN
Tune: My Bonney lies over the ocean

My father makes book on the corner,
My mother makes illicit gin,
My sisters sells tricks to the sailors,
My God how the money rolls in.

Chorus
Rolls in, rolls in, my god
How the money rolls in, rolls in,
Rolls in, rolls in, my god how the money rolls in
My mother s a bawdy house keeper,
Every night when the evening grows dim,
She hangs out a little red lantern,
My God how the money rolls in.

Chorus
My cousin s a Harley Street surgeon,
With instruments long, sharp and thin,
He only does one operation
My God how the money rolls in.

Chorus
My brother s a poor missionary,
He saves fallen women from sin,
He ll save you a blonde for a guinea,
My God how the money rolls in.
Chorus
My grandad sells cheap contraceptives,
And punctures the teats with a pin,
For grandma gets rich on abortions,
My God how the money rolls in
Chorus
My sister s a barmaid in Sydney,
For a dollar she ll strip to the skin
She s stripping from morning to midnight,
My God how the money rolls in.
Chorus
I ve lost all me cash on the horses,
I m sick from the illicit gin,
I m falling in love with my father,
My God what a mess am in.
Chorus
 

OLD KING COLE
Tune: Old King Cole

1.Old King Cole was a merry old soul.
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his wife in the middle of the night,
And he called for his FIDDLERS three;
And every fiddler has a fine fiddle,
And a very fine fiddle had he;
Fiddle in the middle in the middle, said the fiddlers
Very fine men are we;

Chorus
There s none so fair as can compare
With the men of the H H three
How s your father ----all right
How s your mother ----she s tight
How s your sister ----she might
Farce, farce, stick it up your arse,
Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he.

2.He called for his wife in the middle of the night,
and he called for his JUGGLERS three;
Now every juggler had a fine ball,
And a very fine ball had he;
juggle with your balls in the air said the jugglers,
Fiddle in the middle in the middle said the fiddlers,
Very fine men are we.
Chorus

3.He called for his wife in the middle of the night
And he called for his PAINTERS three;
Now every painter had a fine brush,
And a very fine brush had he;
Slap it up and down up and down said the painters,
Juggle with your balls in the air said the jugglers,
Fiddle in the middle in the middle said the fiddlers,
Very fine men are we.
Chorus

4.He called for his wife in the middle of the night
And he called for his BUTCHERS three;
Now every butcher had a fine block,
And a very fine block had he;
Put it on the block chop it off said the butchers,
Slap it up and down up and down said the painters,
Juggle with your balls in the air said the jugglers,
Fiddle in the middle in the middle said the fiddlers,
Very fine men are we.
Chorus

5. He called for his wife in the middle of the night,
And he called for his TAILORS three;
Now every tailor had a fine needle,
And a very fine needle had he;
Weave it in and out, in and out said the tailors,
Put it on the block chop it off said the butchers
Slap it up and down up and down said the painters,
Juggle with your balls.in the air said the jugglers
Fiddle in the middle in the middle said the fiddlers,
Very fine men are we;
Chorus

6.He called for his wife in the middle of the night,
And he called for his COALMEN three;
Now every coalman had a fine sack
And a very fine sack had he;
Do you want it in the front or the back said the coalman,
Weave it in and out in and out said the tailors,
Put it on the block chop if off said the butchers,
Slap it up and down up and down said the painters,
Juggle with your balls in the air said the jugglers,
Fiddle in the middle in the middle said the fiddlers,
Very fine men are we.
Chorus

7. He called for his wife in the middle of the night,
And he called for his FISHERMEN three;
Now every fishermen had a fine fish,
And a very fine fish had he;
I ve got one this long said the fisherman,
Do you want it in the front or the back said the coalmen,
Weave it in and out in and out said the tailors,
Put it on the block chop it off said the butchers,
Slap it up and down up and down said the painters,
Juggle with your balls in the air said the jugglers
Fiddle in the middle in the middle said the fiddlers
Very fine men are we.
Chorus
 

POOR LITTLE ANGELINE
Tune: ?????

She was sweet sixteen.
On the village green.
Pure and innocent was Angeline.
Never had a thrill.
And a virgin still.
Poor little Angeline.
Now the village squire
Had a low desire.
To shag every virgin in the local shire.
And he d set his heart.
On the vital part.
Of poor little Angeline.
At the village fair
The squire was there.
Pulling on his pudding
In the middle of the square.
When he chanced to see
The dainty knee,
Of poor little Angeline.
As she raised her skirt
To avoid the dirt
Skipping o er the puddles.
Of the squire s last squirt.
And his knob grew raw
At the sight he saw.
Of poor little Angeline.
So he raised his hat.
And he said Your cat
Was pummelled by a wagon.
And is squashed quite flat.
I ve my carriage in the square.
And I ll take you there.
Poor little Angeline.
They had not gone far
When he cried Aha .
And dragged her over to the local bar.
Where he bought her gin
Just to make her sin.
Poor little Angeline.
When he d oiled her wel
Took her to a dell.
And there upon her sweet young
frame he fell.
For he d set his mind
On a laydown grind.
Of poor little Angeline.
With a cry of Rape
He raised up his cape,
Little Angeline had no escape.
It s time someone came
Just to save the name.
Of poor little Angeline.
Now the story is told
Of a blacksmith bold.
Who d loved Angeline for years I m told.
He was handsome too
And promised to be true,
To poor little Angeline.
But it s sad to say
That on the very same day,
They threw him in the prison for the
debts he couldn t pay,
For coming in his pants
At the local dance.
With poor little Angeline.
Now the window of his cell
Overiooked the dell.
Where the squire was giving Angeline some hell.
There upon the grass
He observed the arse,
Of poor little Angeline.
So he had a start, gave a mighty fart.
Blew the bloody jail and all apart.
And he ran like shit.
Lest the squire should split,
Poor little Angeline.
When he got to the spot,
And he saw what was what,
He tied the villains knackers.
In a bloody knot.
Then he saw upon the grass.
The dainty little arse,
Of poor little Angeline.
Blacksmith, my blacksmith,
I love you honest, true.
I can see by your trousers.
That you love me too,
Here I am undressed.
Come and do your best .
Cried poor little Angeline.
Now it won t take long.
Just to finish up this song,
For the blacksmith s tool,
Was more than one foot long,
And his natural charm.
Was as thick as his arm,
Poor...little...Angeline.
 

RING THE BELL VERGER
Tune: ?????

Chorus
Ring the bell verger,
Ring the bell ring,
Perhaps the congregation
Will condescend to sing,
Perhaps the village organist,
Sitting on his stool,
Will piay upon the organ.
And not upon his tool.
Ocean liner, five months late.
Stoker stoking stoker s mate
Captain s voice comes down the wire,
Stop stoking mate and start stoking fire .
Lordship s chauffeur in garage lies,
Lordship s wife between his thighs,
Lordship s voice comes from afar,
Stop fooking wife start fooking car .
Part-time barman in four-ale lurks,
Tossing off erratic jerks,
The landlord s voice begins to moan,
Stop pulling pud, start pulling foam.
Up in belfry sexton stands,
Pulling pud with brawny hands,
From the vestry vicar yells,
Stop pulling pud, pull fooking bells .
Old time convict in compound stands,
Pick lies idle in his hands,
The warden s voice begins to moan,
Stop picking pud and start picking stone .

RODINE SCHOOL (ROEDEAN SCHOOL)
Melody - We Shall Not Be Moved (no midi!)

We are from Rodine, good girls are we.
We take no pride in our virginity.
We take precautions and avoid abortions.
We are from Rodine School.
Chorus
Up school.Up school.Up school.Up school
Right up school.
Lah, Lah, Lah Lah, Lah, Lah,Lah,
Lah,Lah.
Lah, Lah, Lah Lah, Lah, Lah, Lah,
Lah, Lah.
Our house mistress, she can t be beat,
She takes us walking down the main street,
We sell our titties for one dollar bitties,
Right outside Rodine School.
Chorus
Our head prefect, her name is Jane,
She only does it now and again
And again and again and again and again,
She is from Rodine School.
Chorus
Our house mistress, she is the best,
She teaches us to develop our chests.
So we wear tight sweaters, and carry french-letters,
We are from Rodine School.
Chorus
Each week at Rodine we hold a dance.
We don t wear bras and we don t wear pants
We like to give our boyfriends a chance;
Here at Rodine School.
Chorus
Our school gardner, he makes us drool,
He s got a great, big, dirty, whopping tool,
All right for tunnels and Queen Mary s funnels,.
And us girls of Rodine School.
Chorus :
Our school porter he is a fool,
He s only got a teeny-weeny tool,
All right for key holes and little girlies pee holes,
But not girls at Rodine School.
Chorus
We have a n-n-new girl, h-h-her name is F-F-Floe,
N-n-nobody thought t-t-that she would have a show.
She surprised the Vicar by raising him much quicker,
When she said she d g-g-g-g-g-g-g-go.
Chorus
When we go to Brighton beach for a swims,
People remark on the sizes of our quims,
Bet your bottom dollar, it s like a horse s collar
For we are from Rodine School.
Chorus
 

SING US ANOTHER ONE DO
Tune ?????

Chorus
That was a horrible song.
Sing us another one, just like the other one
Sing us another one do-oo.
There was a young lady named Hilda,
Who went for a walk with a builder,
He knew that he could,
And he should, and he would
And he did...and he goddam near kilIed her.
The jolly old Bishop of Birmingham,
Buggered three maids while confirming em,
As they knelt seeking God,
He excited his rod.
And pumped his episcopal sperm in em.
There was a young lady of Cheam,
Who crept into the vestry unseen,
She pulled down her knickers,
And likewise the vicar s,
And said How about it old bean?.
There was a young girl from Detroit,
Who at bonking was very adroit,
She could squeeze her vagina,
To a pin-point or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.
A disgusting young man named McGill,
Made his neighbours exceedingly ill,
When they learned of his habits,
Involving white rabbits.
And a bird with a flexible bill.
There was a young man of St Johns,
Who wanted to bugger the swans,
Oh, no , said the porter,
You buggered my daughter.
Them swans is reserved for the Dons .
A handsome young monk in a wood,
Told a girl she should cling to the good,
She obeyed him, and gladly,
He repulsed her, but sadly,
My dear, you have misunderstood .
There was a young maid from Mobile.
Whose fanny was made of blue steel.
She got her big thrills,
From pneumatic drills.
And off-centred emery wheels.
When a lecherous curate from Leeds,
Was discovered one day in the weeds,
Astride a young nun,
He said, Christ,this is fun,
Much better than telling one s beads .
There was a young lady of Twickenham,
Who said today s men have no prick in em.
On her knees every day,
To her God she would pray,
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken em.
A young man with passions quite gingery,
Tore a hole in his sister s best lingerie.
He slapped her behind,
And made up his mind,
To add incest to insuit to injury.
There was a young plumber of Lea,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, Stop your plumbing,
There s somebody coming.
Said the plumber, still plumbing,it s me I
There was a young nun from Siberia,
Endowed with a virgin interior.
Until an old monk,
Jumped into her bunk,
And now she s the Mother Superior.
All the lady apes run from King Kong.
For his donger was painfully long.
But a friendly giraffe,
Quaffed his yard and a half.
And ecstatically burst into song.
There was a young lady of Trent,
Who said that she knew what it meant.
When he asked her to dine.
Private room, lots of wine.
She knew, oh she knew,but she went.
There was young lady from Kew,
Who filled her vagina with glue.
Said she with a grin,
If they pay to get in,
They ll pay to get out of it too.
There was a young giri of Daijeeling,
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling.
There was never a sound,
For miles around,
Save for fly buttons hitting the ceiling.
The jolly young Duke of Buckingham,
Stood on the old bridge at Rocklngham,
Watching the stunts,
Of the cunts in the punts,
And the tricks of the pricks
That ware fucking em.
There was a young student of Trinity,
Who shattered his sister s virginity.
He buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother,
And had double A s in divinity.
There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One went so far,
As to wave from his car,
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
A lady while dining at Kew,
Found an elephant s dong in her stew.
Said the waiter, Don t shout
And don t wave it about,
Or the others will all want a bit too.
Flosalina, a pretty young lass,
Had a truly magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink,
As you possibly think,
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Just stroking the butt of his madam,
He was quaking with mirth,
For he knew that on Earth,
There ware only two balls, and he had em.
There was a young fellow from Bude
Who was feeling his girl while they queued
Till a bloke at the front
Shouted out "I smell cunt";
Just like that. Right out loud. Bloody rude!
Despite anatomical contortions
And prophylactical precautions
Young Ermintrude
Let a sperm intrude.
Does anyone here do abortions?
 

SIR JASPER
Tune: John Brown s Body

She wears her silk pajamas,
In the summer when it s hot,
She wears her woollen nightie,
In the winter when it s not,
But later in the springtime,
And early in the fall,
She jumps between the lily-white sheets,
With nothing on at all.
She s a most immoral lady,
She s a most immoral lady,
She s a most immoral lady,
As she lay between the lily-white sheets,
With nothing on at all.
Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch me
Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch me,
Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch me
Chorus
As she lay between the lily-white sheets,
With nothing on at all.
Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch!(x3)
Chorus
Oh, Sir Jasper do not (x3)Chorus
Oh, Sir Jasper do (x3)Chorus
Oh, Sir Jasper (x3)Chorus
Oh,
 

SOME DIE OF DRINKING WHISKY
Tune :British Grenadiers

Some die of drinking whisky,
And some of drinking beer,
And some of diabetes,
And some of diarrhoea,
But of all the world s diseases,
There s none that can compare,
With the drip. drip, drip
Of the syphilitic dick,
Of a British Grenadier.
I like the girls who say they will,
And I like the girls who won t
I hate the girls who say they will,
And then they say they won t
But of all the girls I like the best,
I may be wrong or right
Are the girls who say they never will,
But look as if they might

SWING LOW SWEET CHARIOT (INTERNATIONAL HASH HYMN)
Melody - Swing Low, Sweet Chariot
Note: gestures accompany words

I looked over Jordan and what did I see,
Coming for to carry me home,
A band of angels coming after me,
Coming for to carry me home.

CHORUS:
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Coming for to carry me home,
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Coming for to carry me home.

I'm sometimes up and sometimes down,
Comin' for to carry me home,
But still my soul feels heavenly bound.
Comin' for to carry me home.

If you get there before I do,
Coming for to carry me home,
Tell all my friends that I'm coming too,
Coming for to carry me home.
(repeat with variations: humming and motions only, silence and motions only, double-time)
 
 

THE GOOD SHIP VENUS
Melody - North Atlantic Squadron or Early one morning?

T was on the good ship Venus
Kin oath you should have seen us
The figurehead was Fourskin Ned
Whopping away on his penis.
Chorus :
Frigging in the riging
Wanking in the planking
Masturbating in the grating
Cause there s fuck-all else to do.

The captain s name was Morgan
A homo-sexual gorgon
Three times a day, He used to play
Upon his sexual organ.

The captain s wife was Mabel
Whenever she was able
Would lay prostrate , Beneath the mate
On top of the chart room table.

The captain s lovely daughter
Went swimming in the water
Delighted squeals Showed that the eels
Had found her sexual quarter.

Chorus
The cabin boy s name was Ripper
Damn sadistic nipper
Stuffed his arse With broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.

The cook s was Mike O Malley
Didn t dillydally
He shot his bolt With such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.
Chorus:

The stoker s name was Mugger
Filthy low-down bugger
Wasn t fit To shovel shit
On any bugger s lugger.
Chorus

The parson s name was Farrell
Who wore such strange apparel
They didn t know The arse on show
Was him inside the barrel.

The ship s dog s name was Rover
They often did him over
He moaned and groaned, That faithful hound
From Calais cross to Dover.
The ship s cat s name was Kitty
Oh how her arse was shitty
But shifty or not, It was a twat
And the sailors had no pitty
Chorus

The bosun s name was Hopper
Kin hell, he had whopper
Once round the deck, Twice round his neck
And up his arse for a stopper.
We sailed to the Azores
And rooted all the whories
We caught the syph, In Tel Avif
And pox in Buenos Aires.
Chorus
 

THE MAYOR OF BAYSWATER
Tune: The Ashgrove

The mayor of Bayswater,
He has a pretty daughter.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

Chorus
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees (pause)
One black one, one white one
And one with a bit of shite on
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

If she was my daughter
I d have them cut shorter
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
She went down to Woolongong
Where they told her they were much too long
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

I ve smelt it I ve felt it
It s lust like a bit of velvet.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
I know them, I ve seen them
I ve been in between them.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

She married a Spaniard
With a prick like a bloody lanyard~
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
She married an Italian
With a prick like a bloody stallion,
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

It would take a coal miner
To find her vagina.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees.
She bangs just like a dunnie door
But she comes back for more and more
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus
 

THE PUB WITH NO BEER
Melody - Itself

CHORUS:
It's a bastard away from the women and all,
With a pain in the guts from a great lover's ball,
But there's nothing so lonely, shocking, or queer,
Than to knock off a barmaid that's got gonorrhoea.

The publican's anxious for the chemist to come,
He's looking with lust at the barmaid's big bum,
He's waiting to give her a belt up the back,
But without a French letter he might get the jack.

The stockman rides in with a masterly stroke,
Takes the pants off her and gives a poke,
The look on his face quickly turns into fear,
When the barmaid informs him he just got gonorrhoea.

The swaggie tramps in undoing his fly,
He says, "Give me a poke or I'll shoot in your eye."
The stockman jumps up and says, "Don't do it, mate."
But the swaggie says sadly, "It's too bloody late."

Billy the blacksmith, the first time in his life,
Goes home for a roger with his darling wife,
As he walks in the bedroom, she says with a sneer,
"Without a Frenchie, you'll get nothin' here."

There's a dog on the verandah, still sufferin' from shock,
He's just seen the size of old Billy's cock,
He dashes for cover and cringes in fear,
Billy's sure to root something; I'm movin' from here!
 
 

THEY OUGHT TO BE PUBLICLY PISSED ON
Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean

They ought to be publicly pissed on,
They ought to be publicly shot,
They ought to be tied to a urinal,
And left there to fester and rot,
Drink it down, down, down . . .
 

THE SEX LIFE OF A CAMEL
Tune :The Eton boating song (unavailable)

The sexual life of a camel,
Is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season,
He tries to bugger tive Sphinx.
But the Sphinx s posterior sphincter,
Is all clogged by the sands of the Nile.
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And the Sphinx s Inscrutable smile.
Singing bum-titty, bum-titty, tittybum,
Bum-titty, bum-titty aye.
Singing bum-titty, bum-titty, titty-bum,
Bum-titty, bum-titty aye.
In the process of syphilisation.
From the anthropoid ape down to man,
It is generally held that the Navy,
Has buggered whatever it can.
Yet recent extensive researches,
By Darwin and Huxicy and Hall,
Conclusivety prove that the hedgehog
Has never been buggered at all.
We therefore balleve our conclusion,
Is incontrovertibly shown,
That comparative safety on shipboard,
is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
Why haven t they done it at Sptthead,
As they ve done it at Harvard and Yale,
And also at Oxford and Cambridge,
By shaving the spines of its tail.
The sexual life of the ostrich.
Is hard to understand.
At the height of the mating season,
It buries it s head in the sand.
And if another ostrich finds it
Standing there with it s ass in the air,
Does it have the urge to grind ft.
Or doesn t it bloody well care?
 

WHY ARE WE WAITING?
Melody - Come Let Us Adore Him

Why are we waiting,
Could be fornicating (masturbating, etc),
Oh, why are we waiting,
So fucking long, etc . . .
 

WHY WAS HE BORN SO BEAUTIFUL?
Melody - Itself

Why was he born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all?
He's no fuckin' use to anyone,
He's no bloody use at all.

They say he's a joy to his mother,
But he's a pain in the asshole to me,

He's fresh as a daisy,
He drives me crazy,

So drink it down, down, down . . .
 
 

THE WILD WEST SHOW
Tune: unavailable

Chorus:
We're off to see the Wild West Sho-o-ow,
The elephants and the kangaroo-oo-oos.
Never mind the weather, as long as we're together,
We're off to see the Wild West Show.

Call: Ladies and Gentlemen!  In this corner we have the  .

Response: The   ?  Fantastic!  Incredible!  What the hell is the ?
Tell us about it mother fucker.

Tattooed Lady:
This tattooed lady has "Merry Christmas!" tattooed inside her left thigh, and "Happy New Year!"
tattooed inside her right thigh.  She wants you to come up and see her between the holidays.

The Fukawi Tribe:
A tribe of pygmies from the Grasslands of Africa, the Fukawi grow to a height of 4 feet tall.  They
roam through the 5-foot tall grass jumping up and down shouting "We're the Fukawi!  We're the
Fukawi!"

The Laughing Hyena:
This animal lives up in the mountains, and once every year he comes down to eat, once every two
years he comes down to drink, and once every three years he comes down for sexual intercourse.
What the hell he has to fucking laugh about, I don't know.

The Giraffe:
The giraffe is one of the most popular animals in the animal kingdom.  (Why?)  Well, every time he
goes into a bar he says, "The high balls are on me."

The Leopard:
he leopard is the only living calendar--he has one spot for every day of the year.  (What about leap
year?)  Why, just lift up his tail.

The Sabre-Toothed Tiger:
he sabre-toothed tiger is the only 200-pound pussy that eats you.

The Orangutan:
The orangutan has one ball made of brass and the other made of steel, and when he goes swinging
through the trees they go "Orang-a-Tang, Orang-a-Tang!"

The Elephant:
The elephant has an enormous appetite.  Every day it eats 2 tons of hay, 20 buckets of rice...Lady!
Please don't stand behind him...Too late.  Bill, go get the shovel and dig her out.

The Oomie-Goomie Bird:
The oomie-goomie bird has balls that hang down 14 inches.  Unfortunately, his legs are only 12
inches long, and whenever he comes in to land, you can hear him cry, "Oooh, me goomies.  Oooh,
me goomies."

The Ooh-Aah Bird:
The male of this species lives at the North Pole, and the female of this species resides at the South
Pole.  During their mating season, the birds fly until they meet at the equator, where you can hear
them going "Oooooh!  Aaaaaaah!  Oooooh!  Aaaaaaah!"

The Winky-Wanky Bird:
The nervous system of this unusual bird has crossed over the links between his eyelids and his
schlong.  Now, every time he winks, he wanks, and every time he wanks, he winks.  Hey kid!  Stop
throwing sand in his eye!
 
 

Well, that's as far as the Him Book goes. More songs

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